Bright Flash of Light

"Giles?" I pushed through the library doors, my eyes frantically scanning the room. I swallowed hard as my eyes swept past the research table. Six figures looked up at me with wide eyes, but none of them were the person I sought. "Oh, God, Giles?"

I advanced into the room, my head moving side to side rapidly as I searched for the librarian. "Giles," I called out, my voice a panicked shrill. I glanced into his office; he wasn't in there. Nor was he in the weapon's cage. I ignored Buffy as she called my name; instead of turning towards her, I ran up the stairs. "Giles?"

I ran through the stacks, although in vain. I couldn't find him. Tears leaked from my eyes as I descended the stairs. For the first time, I focused on the group that was gathered around the table. Willow and Buffy looked at me in confusion while Oz looked at me with no real expression. Xander, Angel and Wesley were looking at me as if I had grown an arm out of my head.

I pressed the heels of my hands to my temples, applying pressure before running my hands through my mussed hair. "G-Giles? Where's Giles?" I asked through my tears.

Xander stood up, his expression changing into one of tenderness and concern. It was a look I hadn't seen since we had broken up. Just as he began to step around the table towards me, he stopped and glanced at the library doors before returning his eyes to me. Xander simply pointed to the doors; his eyes never left mine.

I turned and saw Giles walking slowly into the library, a look of concern and confusion on his face. He could obviously sense that something was wrong. "Cordelia?"

I rushed over to him. When I reached him, my hands latched on to his tweed-covered arm. Remembering myself, I withdrew my hands as if his arm were on fire. "Giles." I tried to calm my breathing, but I couldn't. I just kept panting.

"Cordelia? What is it?" He glanced over my head to the others, trying to see if they knew. They didn't, so he returned his gazed to me. "What's wrong? What's happened."

"You've got to help me, Giles," I cried as I wiped my eyes. "I don't like this. It's freaky and I can't handle it." As I shook my head, I continued to look at him, pleading with my eyes for his help."

"Cordelia? Help with what? What is it?" Giles put his hands on my shoulders and shook me slightly, trying to awaken me.

But I wasn't asleep. I was awake. I pulled away from him and glanced around the room. The others had all left their chairs and were now looking at me, terrified. "I-I-I can... This happened... I don't like it. I want it to stop."

"What, Cordelia? What do you want to stop?" Buffy asked in a concerned voice.

I gasped, trying to calm myself, trying to get a hold of the Cordelia Chase cool. But I couldn't. "I... I can read minds."

"What?" Nearly everyone asked in unison.

I looked around and backed up further. "I can read minds."

My eyes searched all of theirs until I came upon a pair of chocolate brown eyes. Xander stood there, frozen for a moment before the look of scared tenderness left his face and was replaced by a hard anger. "Nice joke, Cordy. What? Running low on attention?" I shook my head, but he didn't see. "We *were* having a meeting here."

The other's continued to stare at me while I shook my head. Xander shook his as well. "Cordy..." he began with a nasty, spiteful tone of voice.

"No," I cut him off with my shaky voice. "No. I'm not making this up." Trembling, I had to make them hear me. I needed them to believe me. "This is real." Tears began to pour from my eyes once again as I saw Xander roll his eyes and give me a mock pity look.

"Cordelia?" Giles' voice drew my eyes back to him.

I focused on the older man and suddenly my mind was clear; all of the others faded from the room. "Giles, I'm telling the truth." Taking a deep breath, I wiped my eyes. The tears had stopped again and my breathing returned to normal. Now all I had to do was speak.

"I was helping my mother get ready for work this morning. You know, she's got Epstein-Barr, and sometimes it...makes her need help. So I was, helping her that is and I touched her face, trying to get the blush rubbed in just right." I paused, taking a deep breath and swallowing. "And then it happened. All these feeling and thoughts and emotions and memories just came flooding over me. They weren't mine. They, they were hers."

I shook my head, as if trying to get the thoughts out of my brain. I was still freaked out about the whole thing. "And then I backed away and my fingers left her face and then it was gone. All the sensations were gone, but I still remembered." I looked at Giles, trying to gage what he was thinking from a distance. "Giles? Help?"

"Cordy, I think you've watched too many bad late night Sci-Fi shows." I stared at Giles. But he hadn't said that. I saw him turn his head to the side, shooting an annoyed look in that direction. Slowly, the rest of the library came back to me. I could see the six other people standing there.

"Xander. Shut up," Giles ordered before looking at me again.

I was dazed. My head felt like it was swimming and I became dizzy. My eyes darted around the room frantically, not able to focus on any one thing. I stumbled backwards. My back hit the metal fencing of the weapon's cage and I slid down to the floor.

I fought a wave of nausea as a fever raced through my body. I could feel it coursing through me, moving away from my head, down to my heart, circulating down my arms and legs. "Make it stop," I managed to mumble before passing out.

When I awakened, I found myself in Giles' office, lying on his old couch. "Fuck," I whispered as I brought my hand to my aching head. I looked around slowly. No one was in the room with me, but the door was open. I could hear voices talking in hushed tones.

I slowly got to me feet and quietly made my way over beside the door. Ignoring the fuzziness of my mind, I stood there and listened.

I heard Giles' stressed voice. "Well, obviously, Xander, *something* is going on. Whether she can or cannot read minds, there is something wrong with her. Healthy people do not just faint randomly, you know."

"Xander," Willow spoke softly. "Giles has a point. I'm just as suspicious of her claims as you are, but she fainted. At the very least, she's ill."

"I've known mind readers before," Angel cut in. "They exist. They're rare, but they are fact."

Xander sighed angrily. "That doesn't mean that Cordelia is one. I'm telling you, there's something rotten in Denmark here, guys." They must have all been looking at him oddly, because he added, "What? I can't know Shakespeare?"

Sighing to myself, I steeled myself as I emerged from the small office. Giles began to rebuke Xander, but I cleared my throat to alert them all to my presence. Seven pairs of eyes fixed on me. "I'm-I'm going to go home now."

"What? Your little play time over now, Cor?"

Moving toward the table, my eyes found Xander. "You don't have believe me. I never expected you to. That's why I was looking for Giles." I began to move passed the group.

"Cordelia," Giles called out.

I shook my head not turning to look at him. For some reason my eyes focused on Angel, who was sitting in the chair closest to me. His eyes bore into mine and I could tell that he believed me...or at least wanted to. I had a sudden and distinct urge to touch him, to feel his power and to know his mind. I tried my hardest to deny that urge, to make it go away, but as if I had no control, my hand shot out.

As the tips of my fingers brushed his cheek, he tried to move away. He didn't want me to know his mind. But it was too late. My eyes widened and all else in the room faded from me. I could barely even see Angel's face anymore. I moved closer, allowing my entire hand to cover his cheek. Briefly, I saw panic in his eyes, but soon it was gone. Lost and hidden from my view as his memories flooded my mind.

I began to shiver. I was cold. My breathing quickened as I saw a girl before me. She was blonde and wearing a beautiful dress. Like the ones in those costume dramas. I saw Angel, his complexion darker and his hair longer. He too was wearing strange clothes. I saw the women feed from him; I saw her slit open her breast with a fingernail and hold his mouth to the wound.

The image swirled in front of me. Scenes from Angel's demonic past flashed before me. A child hung from a chandelier, blood dripping from a neck wound. Below the child stood Angel, his mouth open, letting the blood rain down on him, letting it fill his mouth.

Coppery sweetness filled my mouth as I too felt the drops of blood. It was as if I were the one standing beneath the child. My stomach churned.

Suddenly the image shifted again. I watched as Angel stood next to a once white altar, now soaked with blood. I watched as he forced himself on a beautiful dark haired girl. As he dug his fingernails into her skin, I felt a sick excitement come over me. I felt pleasure watching this girl get raped. My heart jumped when I heard her terrified screams.

I felt sick. I struggled for control. My eyes focused on the girl's face. Drusilla. The crazy vampire.

The scene shifted and I stood there watching as Angel snapped the necks of orphaned children. He stopped when he got to a yellow haired little girl. Dragging her up by her hair, Angel smelled her. She cried out. I felt her hot tears drop onto my face. I watched as her tears dropped onto Angel's vampiric countenance.

"You look like my sister," Angel said with a snarl. "I hate my sister." He bent the girl's neck roughly, then buried his fangs into her pale, soft skin. Again, I felt my mouth fill with metallic sweetness. It filled me. It encompassed me.

Letting out a squeak and then a whimper, I roughly pushed back and my connection to the vampire sitting in front of me was broken. I tried to move backwards, but I found that my legs would not support me. I fell to the ground, my eyes still stuck on Angel. "I-I-I... You," I choked out, still trying to back up.

My mind was buzzing and I was growing tired. The rest of the room came back into my view. I shook my head as I saw the others out of the corner of my eyes. Scrambling to me my feet, I pressed my hands to my head, hoping that I would not faint again. "Go. Got to go," I cried as my legs propelled me quickly to the doors.

I couldn't take this. This was too much for me to handle.

As I fled the library, I was unaware as to where I was going. The only thing that registered in my brain was that I was cold. Deathly cold and I needed to get warm. But I didn't know how.

I made it to my car and threw open the door. Starting the car quickly, I turned the heat on full blast. It came out cool, which made me shiver even more. I shook my head, wanting to shake Angel's memories, his feelings out of my mind. Even as the heat kicked in, my teeth continued to chatter.

A knock on the window startled me out of Angel's memories. I turned to see Giles and Buffy looking at me. They were scared, frightened out of their minds. It showed in their eyes. I saw Giles' hand reach for the handle to the door. Quickly, I locked the doors.

"Cordelia, please," Buffy begged. I shook my head before letting it slump down on the steering wheel. My hands came up and grasped at my hair. "Cordelia, let us help you."

I turned towards them, tears leaking from my tired eyes. "I can't do this," I whispered to myself. I watched as they turned away. They moved to the side and I saw Oz walking slowly towards my window. Smart. They were smart. Send the least threatening person in the world to talk with the loony psycho girl.

Oz placed his hand on the window. "Cordelia. We just want to help." I stared at him for a moment before lifting my head and nodding towards the passenger side. My tears stopped as my finger pressed the unlock button. Oz opened the door and slid inside. "Wow, hot in here."

"I'm cold," I said in a shaky voice, my words accentuated by my entire body shivering. I locked the doors again.

"I see. Here," he said as he shrugged off his light jacket. He wrapped it around my shoulders. "Look, Cordelia. I know you're scared. Who wouldn't be, right? But Xander, Angel, Willow and Wesley are all up there researching already."

"They don't believe me."

Oz gave me a half smile. "Yes they do. Especially Angel. He said that he felt you. It...drained him."

"Is he okay?" I asked, concerned that I might have hurt someone that I cared about.

"Yeah, he's cool now."

"Why didn't my mom feel anything?"

Oz shrugged. "I don't know, Cordelia. But I'm sure we'll find the answer."

Shaking my head once again, I wrapped my arms around myself, feebly trying to control the shakes when rattled my body. "I can't do this."

"Yes, you can."

I sniffed and continued to shake my head. "No. I'm not strong. I can't handle this."

His hand covered mine. "Yes, you can. We'll help you. Now let's go back..."

Oz's mouth kept moving, but I couldn't hear any sound come out. Everything but Oz's face faded from my view as my breathing quickened once more.

Flashes of Oz's childhood moved before my eyes. I saw him in footie pajamas, next to a big Christmas tree. He was holding a big Tonka truck and he had a huge smile on his face. I could feel his childish elation.

My breath caught when I saw a bullet slam through his arm. I could feel it, a burning, ripping sensation. Then the pain left and I saw Willow smiling at him. Again, I was filled with this childlike joy.

Suddenly, fear struck my heart. I saw him, sitting in my car. I saw me staring at him. His face was a mask of concern, fear, and worry. That was what was happening now. That was now, or close to now. Then it happened. I heard his voice, only it was softer; it was like it was an echo.

"This is freaky. Oh, shit, this is freaky." His thoughts. That was what he was thinking. "I'm touching her. Bare skin on bare skin. That's what it is." Fear and panic continued to assault my senses as I listened to his thoughts. "Fuck, well what are you doing, you fucking moron? Let go of her hand."

Suddenly, the rest of the world reappeared. I looked down at my hand. Oz's hand was no longer covering mine. Fever spiked through me as waves of nausea crashed over me. I leaned back against my side. My head rolled from side to side as my eyes refused to focus. A cry escaped me right before everything went dark.

I awakened again on the couch in Giles' office. Once again there were hushed voices talking, only this time, those voices were frantic. I heard the rustling of pages and the clicking of the keyboard. They were hard at work. They were researching the freakiness that was me.

I ran my hands over my face before I stood up. This time I didn't get to the door quite as fast and I didn't hide to secretly listen either. As I made it to the door, I heard Willow's voice, reading out loud a passage. I stood, leaning at the doorjamb. Everyone was focused on Willow and she was staring intently at the computer screen.

"Most individuals who claim to have psychic powers or mind reading abilities will suffer from mental problems. These result from not being able to control the abilities. Such mental..."

"What," Xander interrupted. "What does that mean?"

Angel answered him. "If she can't learn to control what's happening, it'll have adverse psychological effects on her."

"She'll go crazy?" Xander asked for clarity.

I walked farther into the room. "Very good, Xander. You now have a basic knowledge of the English language. It only took you twelve years of school."

Before Xander had the chance to reply, Angel turned towards me. He moved forward, his arm outstretched in front of him. I took a step back. He nodded in understanding. "You saw." I nodded, tears springing to my eyes. "Now you're frightened." I nodded. He shook his head. "You didn't see everything."

"I-I don't want to." I began to shake. "I don't ever want to see anyone else's..." my voice faded as my legs wobbled a bit.

Giles brought a chair over to me. He attempted to put his hands on my shoulders to guide me to the chair, but I quickly avoided his hands. "Don't touch me."

"He's only trying to help, Cordelia," Xander reprimanded me. "You could at least..."

"No, man," Oz broke in. "It's how it happens. When we were in the car, I put my hand on hers and then she just zoned out. I suppose she was reading my thoughts or inside my head or whatever. But it's flesh against flesh, I think. I don't think it happens if it's flesh against fabric."

Xander sighed. "Yeah, well 'suppose' is the right word. We still don't know if she can read minds. Maybe she's just whacked out."

"Xander!" Buffy, Giles and Willow chastised in unison.

Wesley cleared his throat before he spoke for the first time. "Well, Mr. Harris may have a point, in his own American way. Just because she 'zoned out', does not mean that she can read minds."

"Thank you," Xander said before looking at me expectantly.

"What?" I asked weakly. "You want proof? When Oz was four years old, he got a truck for Christmas."

"Most four year old boys get toy trucks for Christmas," Xander countered.

"He was wearing green footie pajamas with red Santa Clauses on them. His mother was wearing a light blue silk robe and his father was wearing plaid pajama bottoms and he was trying to assemble some hot wheels toy." I looked up at Angel then let my eyes drift over to Xander. "Please don't make me tell you about what I saw in Angel's past."

"She's right. All of it," Oz confirmed.

"Oz, you wore footie pajamas?" Willow asked casually then looked around. "I realize that wasn't the point of her telling us all that and I feel really bad now, so I'm going to shut up." Her eyes focused on me. She was embarrassed for having such a thought at a time like this. I smiled at her, letting her know that it was okay.

Buffy looked to Giles. "So now what?"

The librarian shook his head. "I haven't a clue."

"I do." I looked up towards Angel. "We see what else we can dig up on the 'net and in these books."

"That's it?" I asked, trying not lose it again.

"No. I'm going to call some of my contacts, try to get in touch with some of the more active mind readers around today. They'll most likely be able to help you learn to control it."

"I don't want to control it. I want it gone. I can't live with this. I *won't* live with this."

Angel moved towards me, sinking down to his knees. I felt sick with fear as he placed his hand on my knee. The fabric of my pants covered the flesh of my leg. I choked down most of my fear and focused on Angel. His face was the only thing I could see; everything else melted away as I concentrated on Angel.

"Cordelia," he said as he shook his head. "I don't think this will ever be gone. You will have to live with this. It'll be hard, but you'll..."

"I'll go crazy. I'll end up crazy."

"No," he said with more confidence than I knew he felt. "You won't. We'll help you. We'll find you help. You'll learn to control it." He just stayed there looking at me for awhile. His face was etched with concern. He turned his head to the side, listening to someone that I could no longer see.

He turned back to me. "Cordelia? Can you hear them? Can you see anything but me?" I shook my head, my eyes never leaving his. "Was there anything within the past week that might have caused this, do you think?"

I thought. My eyes began to droop closed, but suddenly I remembered and my eyes popped open again. "Bight flash of light. Two nights ago. I was driving home from...I don't know; I don't remember. There was this big flash of light. I didn't know what it was. I felt blinded by it. I must have passed out for a moment. When I woke up I pulled into a gas station and asked if anyone else had seen the light." I paused, smiling slightly even though none of this was funny. "They laughed at me. I told them that I was serious and asked them if they had seen lightening or anything. They said that they hadn't. So I guess only I saw it."

Angel nodded. "Can you try and look away from me?"

I nodded. I tried to move my eyes to the side, but they stayed stuck on the vampire. "I can't."

He smiled a small reassuring smile. "It's going to be okay."

Feeling another urge to touch him, my hand moved to his cheek. Once again I saw him panic before the images flooded my mind.

There was more killing, more blood, then all of the sudden, his memories shifted forward. I saw him lying in an alley, a dead rat laying drained of blood beside of him. His smell hit me and I nearly vomited. Like weights, pressing down on me, I felt his remorse. I felt his mental anguish. I watched as he sat staring at a brick wall while visions of his victims flashed through his mind.

The image shifted again, this time I couldn't see anything. I could just heard horrid screams of torment. But that quickly changed. Added to the screams were the physical sensations. My breathing quickened as my skin burned. I smelled charred flesh and my mind swirled with painful remorse and sadness. I felt whips strike my back and I began to scream.

I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be in Angel's Hell.

The sensations stopped. My eyes unclouded. Before me I saw the Angel's caring eyes, staring at me. He had broken the connection. "There are some things that you shouldn't see, Cordelia. That was one of them. I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "I'm not afraid of you now."

Angel opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, my eyes and mind opened to the rest of the room. I saw the six others watching the two of us intently. The now familiar waves of sickness swept over me as the fever ran through my body. "Make it stop," I mumbled as I blacked out.

I awakened again in Giles' office, only this time I wasn't alone. Someone was holding me. For a moment I was frightened. What if they touched my skin with theirs? I didn't want to see anymore tonight. I didn't want to see anymore ever. My fear went away as I saw that I was wrapped in a blanket. Only my head was uncovered.

I pressed my head back against the hard chest as my eyes watched the strong hands lightly stroke my covered arms. I knew those hands and I knew the feel of that chest. "Xander," I whispered to myself.

"Yeah?" he whispered back in answer.

I shook my head as I sat up. "Nothing."

As I moved to face him, wrapping the blanket tighter around myself, I saw Xander looking at me sadly. My eyes met his. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Cor."

I shrugged. "You're in here with me," I stated. "Why?"

"Well, I'm the Zeppo of the group, remember?"

"Xander," I started. My heart constricted as I remembered that day and I remembered the false joy that I felt when I had made fun of him. "I didn't mean that. I didn't mean anything that I said..."

"I know. It's okay." He reached out to stroke my cheek. Quickly, I moved away. "Sorry," he said quietly.

"I just... I just can't, Xander. I can't do anymore tonight."

"It's okay. But since you don't want to read my mind right now, I'll just have to tell you." He paused, his eyes securely locked with mine. "I love you, Cordelia. I know I never told you that, but I do. And the whole thing with Willow... Well, I was just stupid." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for that, Cor. I want you to know that I'm sorry for it. And I don't expect you to take me back, that's not why I'm saying all this. I just need you to know. I just want you to know. I miss you, all the time."

I nodded. "I love you too, Xander. And I forgive you. I forgave you a while back, but it still hurt, so I didn't let my mind see that my heart had forgiven you." He smiled at me in understanding and I desperately wanted to touch him. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to just feel his skin next to mine.

But I knew that I couldn't. My eyes watered. "I'm not ever going to be able to touch anyone again."

"No. No, Angel called some guy in India. He said that once you're able to control it, it'll be like you can read minds whenever you want. It won't be because you touch someone. The guy said that's just the way it is in the beginning, so that you know that the ability is there."

I nodded and smiled wanly. "I know it's there. It can stop now."

"You're going to be okay, Cordy. I promise." My smiled broadened as I let myself believe Xander's heartfelt words.

"Excuse me?" Both Xander and I turned to see Wesley standing in the doorway. "I hate to interrupt, but both of you should hear this. That is if you're able," he said, looking at me.

I nodded then stood up. Xander stood up and I felt him place a steadying hand on my lower back. "It's going to be okay," he whispered again.

We moved out of the office and into the main room of the library. There was an empty chair waiting for me. After I sat down, I looked up at Giles and Angel expectantly. "Well?"

"Yes, well," Giles started. "We haven't had any luck with the research here, but Angel has had luck with his contacts."

"Yeah, Xander told me about the Indian guy."

Angel nodded. "It was from him that I got the name of one of the oldest mind readers around. She lives in a small village in France. I've arranged for her to be your mentor for a while."

"What?" I asked, my mind shocked.

"We'll have to go to France. We have to leave right away."

"What?" I asked again. "We? France?"

"Yes. I'll go to France with you. I'm the only one able to accompany you," the vampire replied.

"But what about school?"

"Cordelia," Giles spoke to me softly. "This is more important. Now we need to inform your parents that you'll be leaving. It would be best if they did not know the truth."

I nodded and spoke in a dull voice. "I'll just tell them that I'm going with the French club." I shrugged. They wouldn't know if I was actually in the French club or not. "But I'm not sure I can get money from them with this short of a notice."

Giles shook his head. "It's okay."

"Yes, I have enough money, Cordelia." I looked up at Angel. He wanted to help. He almost needed to help. I don't know how I knew that, I just did.

Things moved pretty fast after that. Luckily I didn't do that focusing on one person thing again that night. I was getting tired of that sick feeling that happened afterward. It was an hour until sunrise when the group parted ways. We had to just say goodbye, since I could touch anyone.

"So, I'll pick you up tonight about a half hour after sundown," Angel confirmed.

"Right. I'll be ready. Then we'll jet off to France so I can have some old woman teach me."

"Well, not jet. More like sail." Angel smiled then quickly walked away in the direction of his mansion.

I said goodbye to the others, thanking them for everything they had done. I turned to Xander. "Could you drive me home?" I nodded to my car. "I'm not sure I can drive."

He smiled. It was my favorite Xander smile. It made me think that everything was going to be okay. "Sure."

As we headed to my house, I closed my eyes. I was so tired. But I was too nervous to sleep. I wasn't sure if I was ready for this adventure with Angel. I wasn't sure if I was ready for any of this. I still didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I still just wanted it to go away.

I wanted someone to make it stop.

But no one could.

~**~

End

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