"Hey, Buffy," Willow said as she entered the library during third period Study Hall. Her friend was sitting at the table, looking bored as she flipped through an old, dusty book.
Buffy looked up. "Morning, Willow." Seeing that her friend was alone, she asked, "Where's Xander?"
The red head set her book bag on the table and took a seat across from her friend. "He's going to be late today."
"Why?"
"He's always late on April third."
"Why?" the blond asked again.
Willow sighed. "It's the day this brother died. I don't know what he does in the morning, but..."
Buffy sat up straight in her chair, a shocked expression on her face. "Xander had a brother?"
"Yeah," Willow answered as she nodded. "A twin brother named Andrew."
"How'd he die?"
Willow shrugged. "He got sick in sixth grade. Xander doesn't really ever talk about him, so I don't know exactly what he had."
"Why doesn't he talk about him? I mean, he hasn't ever talked to you about him? You're his best friend."
"We've only really talked about him once or twice. He used to talk to Jesse about it."
"Why Jesse and not you?"
"Xander gets...weird when the subject comes up." Willow looked at Buffy through her eyelashes as she felt her eyes grow watery. "This is bad, but I'm kind of glad he doesn't talk to me about it. It's scary to see him like that."
"Like what?"
Willow shook her head, trying to keep her emotions from going overboard. "Lost in his own head. If Andy is even mentioned, Xander just gets really quiet and doesn't respond to anything. Jesse always had this way of...bringing Xander back, I guess."
Willow sniffled then continued, "Jesse and I used to talk about it. He said that it wasn't just Andy dying, it was a lot of things that made Xander get like that. Jesse said that his parents blame him and at first, I didn't believe it, but it's true."
"How can they blame Xander? He was just a kid."
"They don't blame him like they think he caused Andy to get sick or anything, but they blame him in the sense that..." Willow paused, not knowing if she actually wanted to say it out loud. "I think they wished that it was Xander who had died. They always like Andy better. He was athletic and he and Mr. Harris bonded, I guess, because of that."
Buffy's brow furrowed. "Well, what about Xander?"
"Oh, he was invited and everything. He used to go with Andy and his dad, but then one day he just stopped. Xander's never really been into sports; he was never really good at them."
"But his brother was?" Willow nodded. "What about his mom? Was Andy her favorite too?"
Willow nodded again. "Yeah. Andy always had a lot of energy and creativity. Mrs. Harris is an Art teacher, so she'd try to get Xander and Andy to 'express themselves artistically and through creative means.' Andy was better at it than Xander, so he got all the praise. Pretty soon, Xander just gave up on trying to get attention. He stopped trying to please his parents."
"Did he and Andy get along?"
"Yeah. Andy always tried to get his parents to include Xander and listen to him, but they just weren't interested. You probably don't know this, but Xander has dyslexia. Our principal in elementary school had him tested when he was seven or something. His parents just sort of shrugged then went back to praising Andy for getting the lead role in the fall play."
"Andy tried to do stuff, like not excel, but it was just as hard for him not to succeed as it was for Xander to succeed. Andy tried to help Xander with his homework and stuff, but after awhile, Xander just started to resent that everything just came so easily to Andy while he had to work so hard. Eventually he just told Andy that he didn't want his help anymore and he started goofing off and not caring about school or anything else. His parents already expected him to fail so why not give them what they wanted?"
Buffy's face held a look of sadness for her friend. "Geez. That's harsh."
"Yeah. He got used to it though and that's kind of freaky. You know, getting use to thinking that all you'll ever do in life is fail? But after he stopped letting Andy help, if he'd get really stuck on his school work, he'd come to me."
Buffy smiled. "Just like now."
"Sort of, but now he's more open to learning. Before he just wanted to learn enough to squeak by without being placed in the 'special' class."
"So was Andy sick for a long time?"
"Not really. A couple months."
"So what happened when he died? How did Xander take it?"
"Really bad." Willow sighed. "Jesse and I didn't see or hear from him for like two weeks and then when we did, he didn't want to talk about anything. He felt guilty, though."
"Really?"
Willow nodded. "He felt guilty because he resented Andy. He hated that people kept asking him, 'Why can't you be more like your brother Andrew?' He told me once that he used to wish that something would happen to Andy...you know, like suddenly he just lost all of his coordination and couldn't think or something."
"And then it happened. Andy got sick. He couldn't play sports anymore or even walk more than a couple yards without needing to rest. His mind weakened too. He'd forget things and he couldn't read as quickly as he used to."
Willow went on, "I know that Xander knows that he didn't cause Andy to get sick, but deep down, I think he still blames himself. His parents don't help either." She looked to Buffy seriously. "There's a reason you haven't met them yet."
Buffy recoiled in her chair. "That bad?"
Nodding sadly, Willow relied, "Yeah. They don't hit him or anything. They just ignore him to the point of not saying a word to him for weeks. And when they do pay attention to him, it's just to point out all his flaws and to tell him that Andy was so much better than him."
"God, that's horrible."
"I know. My parents noticed him just being...odd after Andy's death so they unofficially adopted him. They always invite him over for dinner. They want to know that he's being fed. When we go on vacation, we usually take him along. We try to make him feel like part of the family, but there's just not that much we can do. I feel bad for him. He doesn't even know that there are people who love him."
Buffy shook her head. "I wish I would've known this earlier. Knowing makes it easier to understand him."
"Don't tell him you know. Please try not to act different towards him. He'll get mad that I told you. He doesn't like to talk about it and he doesn't like anyone one else to talk about it either."
"I'll try, but if he ever..."
Buffy's words drifted off as the library doors swung open. Xander walked in, swinging his book bag as if there was nothing special about today. "Hi guys. Miss me?"
"Of course." Willow smiled her special smile that she only wore for Xander. "You okay?"
Xander nodded. "Yep. Why wouldn't I be? I just over slept."
Buffy smiled at him, hoping that he would pick up on the depressed vibe lingering in the room. "Well, I'm glad you woke up. Willow and I were just saying how much it would suck if you were sick."
"Yeah?" Xander asked with interest. "Why's that?"
"Because then we'd both be out of a dance partner at the Bronze tonight. That and we kind of like you healthy."
Xander shook his head. "I'm fit as a fiddle and ready to groove."
"Ever wonder? Just how fit is a fiddle?"
"I think they're pretty fit," Willow added.
"Yeah, but just how fit is fit?" Xander asked as he sat down next to his long time friend. He knew that she was worried about him, but she was always worried about him.
Xander smiled at his two friends, but his heart wasn't in it. He had stood outside the library doors listening as Willow described to Buffy the pain that was his life. Xander hadn't wanted Buffy to know. He hated that Willow even knew. But he wasn't angry that Willow had told. He would just ignore it and not deal with it.
That was something at which he excelled.
~**~
End