Clarity

By Nicollette Marquis McFadgen


Notes: This takes place right after The Becoming 2 and takes place in a random hotel room. The song is Cat Stevens' (Uber Groovy God Of Folk/Pop/Rock) "Wild World".


**Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there**

Spike woke up in his favorite position. He was lying on his back, wearing only his jeans; Drusilla draped on top of him, his arms encompassing her slender sleeping form. Oh, how he had missed this. He had missed the feel of her cool skin next to his. He had missed her small incoherent mumbles and her slight twitching every now and then.

She was everything to him. She made him who he was. Without her he was nothing. She was his world and she was all that mattered to him. Everything he had ever done since she had been turned had been for her.

He remembered the first time he had seen her. Angelus had pointed her out in the marketplace. Her raven hair was loose and flowing. She wore a simple cream colored dress that had covered every inch of her skin. Only her lily white hands and face where visible. That was all that Spike had needed to see. At that moment, he had known that he would do anything to be next to her, to hold her.

Stroking her silky hair from her face, Spike smiled down at the almost peaceful face his princess made while she slumbered. Tightening his hold, he drew her up closer to him and buried his face in her hair. He smelled her hair, smiling as he thought about how her scent had not changed in a hundred and fifty years.

The first time he had held her after making love to her was after Angelus had been cursed. When Angelus had been around, Spike had never been able to hold Dru after sex. He had never even been allowed to have sex with her without Angelus being present. Usually Angelus participated. After the activities had ended, Angelus either wrapped an arm and leg around Drusilla, claiming her, or he made her get out of the bed and sleep on the floor, while he wrapped a possessive arm around Spike's waist.

But after Angelus had left, Drusilla was Spike's. He shared her with no one. He had always relished the quiet moments they shared. He would look at her, knowing that they would be together for eternity, but still wanting to memorize every face she made, every inch of skin on her body.

Quietly she stirred on his chest. Sudden fear gripped him. His mind went though the all the reasons that she would be angry with him. If he had breath, he would have been holding it. He heard Drusilla whimper and felt as she drew her hands up to her head.

"Pet?" His voice was tender and soft. He didn't want anything to set her off. He felt her press down harder on his chest. He smiled. She always did that. She always tried to get away from consciousness. "Pet?" he called again.

Feeling bolder, Spike looked down at her again, only to see her looking up at him in confusion. "My Angel?"

Fresh anger boiled within him. Angel? She was calling for her sweet, wonderful, bastard Angel yet again. Forgetting himself, Spike let the anger wash over him and he pushed her off him slightly, ignoring her confused whimpers.

After everything he'd done for her, Spike couldn't believe that she still preferred her bastard sire to him! Spike gave her everything, denied her nothing. He treated her with respect and love, not the hate and ownership that Angelus did. Angelus would beat her and call her nasty names like "whore" and slut". Spike would caress her and call her "princess". How could she be calling for Angelus?

"He's gone. He's left you yet again. When will you understand that he doesn't love you? He's never loved you. He's never loved anyone! Now he's dead. Angelus is DEAD, Dru. Now what will you do?"

She withdrew the rest of the way off of Spike's chest, sliding off of the bed. She crossed the room, picking up her clothing. Turning to face Spike, she slipped the long red skirt over her hips, then hurriedly tugged the tight shirt over her head. Her eyes flashed with anger that usually led to a small amount of clarity.

Tugging at her hair wildly, a million thoughts ran through her mind. A million emotions passed through her. Only one stayed at the fore for very long, anger. Her mind seethed, her blood boiled. Nothing was right! Nothing was as it was meant to be!

He was angry with her. Well, she was just as angry with him. It wasn't her fault. She couldn't help it. It wasn't as if she had any power to stop Angelus' return and his subsequent reclaiming of her. She had tried to keep Spike involved. She had never quit asking if he'd like to go out with her and Angelus. Was it her fault that he had never wanted to accompany them? Apparently he thought so.

Everything was always her fault. She was the wicked one. She was always to blame. But she knew that this was not her fault. She couldn't help it. She hadn't wanted to give up Spike for Angelus. She hadn't wanted to give up Spike's loving embrace for Angelus' one of possession. But it wasn't her choice. Her master had come back to the fold and she had no choice but to take her place at his feet. It wasn't as if Spike had done much to break the hold that Angelus had on her. He had just sat by and watched.

Opening a drawer, she found the copy of the book she wanted. As she held it in her hand, it sizzled her skin. She did not notice the pain. She flung the free copy of the bible at Spike, who was still lying on the bed, glaring at her. He quickly dodged the holy book, moving off the bed, towards Dru.

She quickly retreated to the bathroom with Spike close behind. Before slamming the door in his face, she turned, speaking calmly with all the clarity of a sane person. "I hate you."


**Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl**

Spike stopped, all the anger draining from him in an instant. What had she said? She hated him? Never in a hundred and fifty years had she ever said that phrase to him. No matter how upset she had been with him, she had never uttered those three words.

Placing a hand upon the door, Spike listened for sounds within. He heard the soft whimpers of his love. "Drusilla? Luv?" The only reply he received was what he could only assume was the mirror breaking. "I'm sorry, luv."

The door opened and Spike stepped back. He saw Drusilla emerge, blood dripping from her forearms and hands. In her left hand she held a blade of glass, once part of the mirror. Quickly she brought the blade up, slashing at her own chest, letting the blood run down her.


**You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware**

Spike lunged for her, but she quickly moved to the side. Smiling, she lifted up the hem of her shirt, exposing her torso. Bringing the glass to her belly, she raked it across her skin, her eyes falling closed and the smile disappearing.

She knew how much he hated to see her bleed, hated to see her hurt. She used that against him. She loved the look of hurt and anguish in his eyes when she hurt herself like this. "I don't want you, Spike." Dropping the blade of glass, she ran her fingers over the wound on her stomach. She pushed three fingers in, forcing even more blood out.

After Angelus, cursed with a soul, had left them, Drusilla had begun to hurt herself. Spike figured she had gotten used to Angelus' "conditioning" of her, and she missed it. At first it was just little things, like pulling at her hair or digging her nails into her skin. Then it progressed to more. She would drive nails into her hands and arms. She would cut herself badly, making herself bleed, almost to the point of complete blood loss.

Spike would find her, laying in a pool of her own blood, weeping for Angelus. After finding her like that three times, Spike kept a closer eye on her. If he couldn't watch her himself, he made the minions watch her and report to him if she had begun to hurt herself. After a few years, she stopped making herself bleed. She stopped even trying to hurt herself. She had given herself completely to Spike, no longer weeping everyday because Angelus wasn't there to beat her.

Spike walked slowly towards her, his arms held out in surrender, his eyes emploring her. "I'm sorry. Please stop hurting yourself, baby." Drawing back her hand, she punched him with a bloody fist. The force knocked him back, sending him to the floor. Recovering, he just lay there and let Drusilla straddle his chest, raining blows on his face.

After five or six hits Spike growled, grabbing her wrists and forcing them behind her back. He flipped them over, moving her hands above her head. "I love you, Dru." Anger still flashed in her eyes and a small growl erupted from her throat.

Leaning down, he kissed her unwilling mouth, ignoring that she was struggling under him. He moved lower, his tongue darting out to lick the blood on her chest. He smiled as he felt her physical protest subside. Forcing her shirt up farther, over her breasts, he took one of her small nipples into his mouth, nipping and sucking, knowing what made her purr.

He smelled her arousal, as she rubbed herself against him, cooing. Moving downward, he lapped at her wound on her stomach, as his hand moved under her skirt and between her legs. His thumb rubbed her clit roughly as he plunged two fingers into her depths. She arched up, moving with the rhythm already set by his hand.

She moaned as she came, drenching Spike's hand. Her legs came up, catching Spike by his shoulders and pushing him back with all her strength. She quickly got to her feet, pulling her bloody shirt down over her breasts.


**Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware**

"I DON'T want you, Spike." He slumped down, almost giving up. He looked at her with dull eyes. "You went to the Slayer."

"Angelus was..." Spike began to speak but was cut off by Drusilla.

"THIS IS NOT ABOUT ANGEL!" she screamed as she pulled wildly at her hair. "It's about you lying! How long could you walk? Why didn't you tell me?" Tears fell from her eyes. "You just stopped talking to me!"

"Baby, I tried!"

"No you didn't! You just brooded!"

"Well you had your darling Daddy, what was I supposed to do?"

"I didn't have my Angel. He had me. And you never minded that before. You knew that I was his. That I belonged to him. Do you think that I liked sleeping in his bed, while you were cold in ours?" Spike's mouth dropped. He had never heard her speak with such clarity. "I wanted to be in your arms, but you did nothing to stop Angel. Nothing until you joined with the Slayer. Did you fuck her too? Since you can walk, I'm certain that you can fuck. Did you fuck her instead of Princess?"

"Baby..."

"No! You shut up!" Her clarity was beginning to falter. "You're bad, and mean, and you let this happen. I wanted YOU!" She stomped her foot, her hands clenched at her side. "Bad! Bad!" Spike struggled to get to his feet, but by the time he was up, she was at the door. She flung the door open, running out into the night, her bare feet lightly slapping against the concrete.

As he made it out the door, he couldn't see her, but her child like sobs were still audible. And they filled his brain. Running out after her, Spike followed her sounds. His mind was in a blind panic. He couldn't let her get away. How could he exist without her? Would she be okay on her own?

As his mind focused on the insignificant fact that she had no shoes on, Spike heard her small sobs beside him. He turned, seeing her slumped down against a brick wall. Her head was buried in her arms, which rested on her drawn up knees.

"Baby?" She shook her head. "Drusilla, I'm sorry." He got to his knees, slowly crawling to her. She looked up at him, and he saw that every shred of the clarity or understanding that was reflected in her eyes only a few moments ago, was gone.

Big tears streamed out of her eyes. "You're bad. You don't love me anymore."

"No, that's not true, pet. I do love you. That's why I did what I did. I did it because I love you."

In a small childlike voice, Dru replied quietly, "Spike, I'm all bloody."

"Yes. You hurt yourself." Standing up, then leaning down, Spike picked up his love. "We'll clean you up, and then we'll feed. And everything will be alright." This was how it was supposed to be. Spike smiled inwardly. He was taking care of his princess once again. Whispering, he asked, "Do you hate me, Dru?"

As she buried her head in his shoulder, she whispered back, "You're my little Spike."


**Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl**

The End

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