Crack Happy

The artist formerly known as Nicollette. Now she's just going by "Monkey Junkie"


Note: This is a crack fic, so I don't care if there are mistakes, *dammit*!
Dedication: For the Monkeys.

The drunken blonde girl stumbled down the deserved hall of Sunnydale High, trying to find her way to the library. They were there, she knew they were there and she had to get to them. She had to force them to understand their place in this great big universe.

Barreling through the double doors she saw them. They were in the middle of a heated discussion. "'Cuse me, peoples!" the drunken lush yelled. "I have to make you see your place."

"Our what?" Xander asked, forgetting that he had been yelling just moments earlier.

"Yes, what in devil's name are talking about young lady, and who exactly are you?" Giles asked, forgetting that he had been getting yelled at only moments earlier.

The girl stumbled in farther, taking the backpack off and setting it on the floor. "I'm Niccy. I write fanfiction."

"You do what?" Angel asked before returning his gaze to Buffy who was trying out some nunchucks.

Sighing, Niccy turned to the soulful vampire of angst and spoke to him like he were a two year old. "I write fiction about shows. I make you people do stuff."

"Yeah, okay. So why are you here?" Oz asked from inside the weapon's cage. He wasn't wolfy, he was just hanging out in there, 'cause he liked it.

"Because you people aren't doing what I want. I mean, I try and I try and you people still don't know where you're supposed to be. Dopey Angel is still wrapped up in Buffy and Giles is still mourning for Jenny, who IS NOT DEAD, DAMMIT!"

"Oh yeah?" Willow countered. "If she's not dead, where is she?"

Rolling her eyes, the fictress answered, "She over playing rescue with some other people. DUH!"

"Okay, so you're here to help us get into our correct places? And what exactly are they?"

"I'm ever so glad you asked that, Cordelia," Niccy said with a smile. Rummaging through the bag, she pulled out a pair of leather pants and flung them at Angel. "Put those on."

"But I'm not Angelus."

"Now you are. Put them on or I'll castrate you in my next fic."

The vampire began to hastily pull off his clothes. "Okay, so I'm Angelus, not Angel..."

"That's right. Now," Niccy said after Angelus pulled on the snug pants. She took his hand, tugging him along with her. "You come with me. See, Angelus is in love with a mortal, but it's not Buffy. 'Cause Buffy could never satisfy a Master Vamp like you, so..." she trailed off as she stop in front of Xander. "Here!"

"Huh?" the boy and the vampire replied in unison.

Sighing in drunken frustration, Niccy dropped the vampire's hand. "He's your schmoopy, moron."

"My what?"

"Your lover."

"Um, excuse me, Niccy, O Strange Person," Xander started. "Um, I'm not gay."

Giggling like a little girl, Niccy managed to choke out, "Yeah, right and the Pope ain't Catholic either." Niccy looked at the two guys and saw them giving each other tentative appraisals. "Chelle says you belong together and I agree. Now get with the loving."

Happy with one couple fixed, she moved over to Giles. "Now. I know you're sad 'cause Jenny's no longer on the show, but I know that secretly you've been harboring a deep longing for someone in this very room."

"I, I have?"

"Yes, sweetness, you have."

Cringing slightly, Giles asked, "It's not Buffy is it?"

"Um, okay, Ew. No." Looking sheepishly for a moment, Niccy added, "Nothing against the Buffy/Giles 'ship, Rup, but I just don't see you with her. I've got someone a little more...neat in mind." She dug through her bag and pulled out a nicely studded dog collar, handing it to the librarian.

"What is this and why are you giving it to me?"

"It's a dog collar and you're gonna wear it," Niccy replied as she pulled out a leash. Giles just stood there. "Put it on, British man! Or I'll slash you with Snyder," she threatened with an evil smile. Giles put on the collar then slid off his tweed coat and loosened his tie. "Good boy."

"So, who is it that I'm supposed to be with...wearing a dog collar?"

Snapping the leash on Giles' collar, Niccy looked up at him. "Get on your hands and knees, puppy, and I'll take you to your place."

Rolling his eyes and grumbling, Giles got to his hands and knees then crawled as the insane woman led him over to the caged area. "You get to play with Oz. 'Cause Kate Monkey and Sheila and Craww want it to be so."

Niccy looked over at Oz, who had an eyebrow raised. "Here," she said as she handed him the leash. "I figured you got tired being the doggie all the time, so I brought you one. Have fun." Oz uncharacteristically smiled broadly and tugged Giles into the cage with him.

"Okay, who's next?" The crack happy ficcer looked about the room. She spied Willow sitting near the computer. Nearing the girl, Niccy sighed. "Willow? I'm not really liking you a lot this season and I'd rather write about you being a bitch, but I think that maybe it's 'cause you don't know where you belong either. And your place is really easy to find."

"And just where is it?"

Niccy took her hand and hulled her to her feet. Nearly dragging her around the table. Depositing the red head at Cordelia's feet, Niccy smiled sweetly. "Your place is between Cordelia's legs."

"God, could you be any cruder?"

"Would you like me to answer that?" Niccy looked around at the couples and saw that it was good. "Well, I think that just about does it."

"Um, AHEM!" Niccy turned to see the slayer looking a bit pissed off. "What about me? I realize I've been quiet while you've been here, which is a big change since I talk so damn much usually, but I want to have a place too."

"Well...see, I don't like Faith and so in my head she's out of the picture and putting you with your mom just seems wrong in so many ways. And then there's Devon, but he's getting head from some groupie right now and there's Jonathan, but he and Cindy Crawford are out on the town, zipping around on his moped. And I'm sorry, but even Snyder's tied up."

"Well, what about Spike and Dru?"

Anger passed over the author's face for a moment. "No! No! No! Spike and Dru already have their places. They are together, where they belong."

"But, but..." Buffy began to whine.

"Oh, shut up! I'll figure something out." Niccy thought for a moment before digging in her bag once more. "Here," she said as she held up an object. "Let me introduce you to *my* Mr. Pointy." She drew back her arm and tossed the dildo to the slayer. "Happy now?"

Buffy smiled widely and nodded. "I bet I can't fuck Mr. Pointy soulless. Thanks, O Insane One."

"Not a problem." Surveying the room, Niccy was pleased, everyone was in their places. "Okay, I'm going to go over there," she said as she pointed to the checkout counter. "I'll be watching."

"Um, excuse me, but what are we supposed to be doing now that we're in our places?" Willow asked.

Sighing again, Niccy looked at the hacker. "I thought you were the smart one. You're supposed to fuck."

"Well, you know, we aren't just toys for your amusement," Willow countered.

"The hell you aren't. Now get cracking! Cordy's legs can only stay open so long before she starts to cramp up." Niccy moved over to the counter and jumped up, sitting cross-legged. Clapping her hands, the author ordered, "Now start fucking. If I don't hear some bodies slapping in the next minute, I'm crossing all of you over to Dawson's Creek. I'll make you listen to Dawson whine all night. Except for Xander. Since I love him the most, he and Pacey and Dawson's dad can have a fun little threesome. But for the rest of you, it's Dawson's teenage angst! Now screw!"

Niccy smiled as the library was filled with the sights, sounds and smells of funky sex. All was good. Everything was zen. She was at peace.

~**~
End...don't mind me, I'm a Monkey. Crack is good. Crack is great. Crack makes me wanna see Giles in a dog collar.

Back to Main Page