I shivered as Angel prepared to knock on the door. "Maybe we shouldn't do this."
"Cordelia, we have to."
"Why?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around myself.
"You know why. On the ship you kept bumping into people; you kept seeing things you didn't want to see. Do you want to go around for the rest of your life alone and sealed up in a room so you don't accidentally touch someone?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Then you're going to have to learn to control it." Angel's voice was tender. He should have been annoyed with me by now, but he wasn't.
"But Xander said that the touching thing was just to let me know it was there at first."
Angel sighed. "At first, yes. But the man I spoke to also said that there will come a time when you'll read minds without touching, whether you are prepared for it or not. Then do you know what happens? If you can't control it?"
I looked down as tears flooded my eyes. "I go crazy," I whispered.
"And do you know what that is, Cordelia? Do you know what crazy is?" He placed his hand on my shoulder, causing me to look up at him. "It's incoherent thoughts, delusions, paranoia, hallucinations, a jumbling of other people's memories and thoughts with your own." He shook his head. "You don't want that. *I* don't want that."
I watched as Angel raised his hand to the door. When I heard his fist make a pounding noise on the door, I let out a hesitant breath. I didn't want this. I didn't want my life to change. Closing my eyes, I waited for the door to open. I waited for the rest of my life to be changed once more.
After a few moments, I opened my eyes and found myself staring at an old woman. She must have been at least ninety.
"I'm a hundred and five," she said with a smile. I stepped back. "No, child, come in." Feeling Angel's hand at my back, pushing me forward, I took small steps towards the woman and the open door. I watched as the woman's clear blue eyes ran over Angel. "Demon."
"He has a soul," I pointed out.
"This I know," she replied without looking at me. "You may come in as well," she said to Angel.
After Angel and I were inside, we were led to a small room. A fire crackled loudly as we sat down on the small sofa. The woman sat down across from us. She watched us intently for a moment before speaking in broken English. "Cordelia, you have many questions. I will answer them, but my English is no good. The vampire knows French. He will translate."
I scrunched my eyebrows together. "I know French."
The woman smiled. "Yes, you know how to ask where the bathroom is and if I would like to go to the cafe, but those phrases won't help you."
She began to speak in rapid French and for all my two years of high school French, I couldn't pick out a damn word that I understood. Expectantly, I looked at Angel. "Her name is Aida. She says that she knows that you are very new at this and that she can help you."
"Ask her if I can get rid of it." Angel looked at me sadly but then turned to the woman. He didn't even speak before Aida did. "Well?" I asked him impatiently.
"She said that you were born with the gift. There is no way to get rid of it. She understands how you feel now, but in time you will understand it."
"The gift?" I asked as I stood up. "The gift. Makes it sound like I just got a nice diamond necklace instead of something that makes me a freak."
Aida began to speak again and I sat down. I was mesmerized by her voice, her rapid use of French words. The room darkened as the only thing I saw as her face.
"You have the control, child. You must learn to use it." Her words, no longer in French, in perfect English, penetrated my mind. I watched as her mouth stopped moving. Calm flooded me as her voice, her soft voice echoed through me. "The light you saw was the calling."
"Calling for what?"
"For your gift. It's unimportant."
"How is this happening? I'm not touching you."
"I am making it happen. Soon, you will be able to do the same. I will not fool you, you will have to work at it. One girl I began to teach stopped, mid training, and left. They found her body drowned in a river. Once your ability takes hold completely, you will no longer need to touch. Instead, you will hear people's thoughts, see their pasts upon entering the room that they are in or standing next to them. If you cannot control what it is that you listen to, your mind becomes muddled. Strange things begin to happen. If I am to help you, you must promise that you will stay until we are finished."
Swallowing, I tried to look away, but as I expected, I could not. "How long?"
"I cannot say. It depends on you, child." Aida stared at me for a moment before whispering, "You are tired."
Dizziness swept over me as I realized that she was breaking the connection. The room came back into my view and I felt the fever spread throughout my body. I looked to Angel as darkness seeped into my mind. "She says that this sickness will go away in time."
"Good. Make it stop." I tried to stay focused. I tried to stay conscious, but I could not.
**
"Now you try," Aida said to me without using her mouth to speak. "Try to read his mind. Try to control what you see."
It had been two months since Angel and I had arrived in France. The quaintness of Aida's little village had wore off fast. I wanted to go home. I still couldn't control anything, but luckily I still had to touch skin against skin before my abilities kicked in. The only thing Aida had taught me was how to not be sick afterwards.
I sighed and turned towards Angel. He was sitting next to me, a look of patience on his face. He didn't want me to look inside his mind. Even though he thought it was too damaging for me to see, he was willing to let me practice. He didn't want me to go crazy.
The room faded from me as I softly placed a hand on his cheek. Angel gave me a weak smile before images poured into my mind. I saw green grass and a young boy sitting in the field. I watched as he picked up a small kitten and began to talk to it. The boy was Angel.
I smiled as I heard him tell the kitten how evil his sisters were, how they had tried to get him in trouble with his father. My smile faded as the images around me shifted. Before me now was Angel, his face twisted into his demonic visage. Blood dripped from his chin and an evil smile appeared as he dropped the body to the ground. He turned to face a little boy.
"I-I-I don't want to see this," I whispered.
"Then control it, child." Aida's voice penetrated my mind.
"I don't know how."
"You do. You hold the control."
Concentrating like never before, I willed Angel's memory to fade away. Instead of another memory flooding my mind, all I saw was blackness. Fear gripped at me as I thought that maybe I was back in Angel's Hell.
The fear subsided as I heard the soft echo of Angel's voice. "She can do it, she can do it, she can do it," he repeated to himself. Cordelia smiled to herself. No wonder Buffy loved him. He was supportive and through his belief, he gave hope and power to those around him.
"I can do it," I whispered.
His echoed voice called my name. "Cordelia?"
I smiled. "I can hear your thoughts." Before I could say anything else, the darkness was stolen from me. Suddenly I found myself inside Sunnydale High. My body filled with pleasure as I saw Angel chasing Ms. Calendar.
Despite the joy that transferred from Angel unto me, I gasped when the chase finally ended. A sob erupted from me as I watched Angel break her delicate neck. The cracking snap of her fragile bones made my stomach heave. I knew that it was Angelus who had done that to her. It wasn't the Angel whose face I was touching. But it still looked like him.
My hand dropped from Angel's cheek and I waited to be able to see something other than him in my vision. The rest of the room came back quickly and as soon as it did, I stood up. "I can't do this," I muttered as I made my way out of the room, grabbing my coat along the way.
**
When Angel found me, I was sitting on a small hill, a small oil lamp sitting next to me. I wiped the tears from my cheeks as I looked up at him. He sat down next to me, the light of the lamp playing softly against his striking features. "I'm trying, Angel, but..."
"Hey," he said as he reached out and touched my arm. "I know you are. You're doing well, Cordelia."
I shook my head, unsure of how well I was actually doing. "This is too hard."
"It would probably be easier if you had someone to practice on who wasn't me."
"No."
He smiled. "Yes. You don't need to see what's in my past. I hate watching the expressions on your face when you see a memory."
I moved closer to him, turning my head so that I was staring out in front of me. "It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to feel what you felt."
"Yeah." Angel nodded. "The joy and pleasure I received when I tore a person's throat out. I wish I didn't have to remember that part either." I nodded then smiled as I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders. "You know me better than anyone now, Cordelia."
"Interesting." I closed my eyes and let my head rest against his shoulder. "No offense, but I don't want to know you this well."
He sighed. It wasn't a sad sigh; it was more like a half sigh, half chuckle. "No offense taken. There are some things that people just don't need to know."
"Yeah."
"You know almost everything about me, Cordelia, and I still don't know much about you."
Opening my eyes, I shook my head. "There's not much to know. I'm Cordelia Hero Chase, one third of one of the richest families in Sunnydale."
"Cordelia Hero?"
Rolling my eyes, I raised my head and gave him a small smile. "My parents were a little too into Shakespeare, I think." He chuckled. It was a wonderful sound that made my smile grow, but after a moment, my smile faded.
"What is it?"
"I don't like this. I didn't ask for this. I don't want it."
"I know, but someday you're going to have to accept it, embrace it."
"Like Buffy accepts and embraces her duty? Right," I snorted. "How many times has she ran away or denied it, Angel? How many times has she said that she quits?"
"That's different, Cordelia. Buffy will die for her calling. Do you think it's easy for her to know that? To know that she will die young and most likely in a very painful way? Try to imagine it. Try facing an imminent death."
"I *did* almost die, Angel. Remember? I'm sure Buffy told you about it; big piece of metal, stabbing through me?"
He nodded then looked down at the grass. "You were scared, right?" I nodded as I watched him pluck a few blades of grass from the earth. "You would've done just about anything to not have been in that situation, right?" Again, I nodded. "It's the same for Buffy."
"Why do you love her so much?" I asked, now watching his face intently.
"Why do you love Xander?" I shrugged, not really knowing. "It's the same for me, Cordelia. I don't know why I love her exactly. I just do."
I smiled, realizing just how similar Angel and I were. "That feeling in your stomach when you see her? The feeling in your heart when she's not around? The sadness you feel when you think about a future without her in it?"
"Yes." He turned to me. I took a deep breath as my mind focused on Angel. His love for Buffy washed over me like a wave breaking on the shore. My breath caught as his thoughts filled my mind. They were of Buffy; they were things he wanted desperately to say to her.
I shook my head. His thoughts were gone and I found myself staring at him. "That's how I feel about Xander."
"What?"
"Angel, I just read your mind without us touching. I just... I just made it stop when I wanted it to." Before he could say anything, I jumped up, nearly knocking over the lamp. "I've got to go tell Aida." He stood up and I gave him a quick hug. When I pulled back I looked up at him, smiling. "I can do this, Angel."
**
It was another two months before Aida thought that I was able to control my ability well enough to go back to Sunnydale. It was well into July before I returned home. I would have to attend summer school in order to get my diploma. I was really unhappy about that, but it was what had to happen.
Before I left, Aida warned me about being able to read minds. She told me that other people's thoughts would flood my mind and it would be so hard to push them out. She gave me exercises to do to help me focus and to help me close off my abilities when I did not want to use them. Aida had given Angel his fair share of homework as well. It was clear that he would be my partner, so to speak. He would help me when I needed it.
He would be there for me. He would always be there for me.
Angel was there for me now, holding my hand as we walked through the deserted halls of the high school. Touching was no longer prohibited; my gift was no longer based on direct skin to skin contact.
"Now remember," he spoke softly to me. "Don't open your mind to their thoughts. You have to keep it closed. Aida said..."
"I know, I know," I interrupted him. "Aida said that if I have too many people's thoughts in my head, that it would be bad."
"Not just bad, Cordelia," he reminded as he looked down at me. "Devastating."
"I know. Don't worry."
Angel's expression told me that there was no way that he couldn't worry. "This is going to be your first time with more than two people, Cordy. That frightens me."
I smiled at his use of my nickname. He had only started to call me that last month. "It'll be okay, Angel. I'm ready for it." I glanced down the hall, my eyes finding the library door. "On second thought... I haven't seen them in four months. And before that we weren't friends."
He smiled. "But before that, you were."
**
I walked into the library with butterflies in my stomach. Angel held my hand in his tightly, letting me borrow some of his strength. This was the moment I had been looking forward to for four months. It was also the moment I had been dreading.
A small smile crept onto my lips as I took in the sight. Buffy and Giles were sparring while Willow's fingers tapped noisily on the keyboard. Oz sat next to her, a thick, dusty book lain out before him. And up in the stacks, reaching for a book, was Xander. Within a few seconds, everyone had stopped what they were doing and turned towards us.
Buffy smiled widely as her eyes fell on Angel. I opened my mind to his, wanting only to know what he was thinking. I only wanted to feel his joy at seeing Buffy, the woman he loved, for a moment, but that was not what happened.
For a moment, I did feel his joy, but that was soon replaced by a flood of thoughts that were not my own. My eyes darted around the room, panicked.
I pulled my hand from Angel's as my smile faded. Bringing my hands up to my head and pressing them to my temples, I silently chastised myself for being so stupid. What had I been thinking?
"Cordelia?" Angel called out, concerned. Everyone was having too many thoughts about too many things. I couldn't handle them. I had to do something, but I couldn't. I couldn't think.
"Cordelia," Angel said again, this time louder. Putting his hands on my shoulders, he turned me so that I faced him. His hands moved to my face, making sure that the only thing in my line of sight was him. "Focus, Cordelia. Focus on me."
"Can't," was the only thing I could manage to say.
"You can. Look at me, Cordy. Focus on me."
I took a deep breath as my eyes fixed on his. Slowly the room dimmed and the only thing I was aware of was him. "Angel?"
"Now close your mind, Cordelia," he said in the echoed voice of his thoughts. "You can control it. I know you can. Just close your mind."
Letting out a deep breath, I mentally withdrew from Angel. His hands fell away from my face. My knees were wobbly, so Angel gripped my upper arms to give me support.
I began to shake. I had almost lost it. Tears sprung up in my eyes as I realized that I had almost lost it because I hadn't prepared myself like Angel had told me to. "I'm sorry," I whispered as a tear found its way down my cheek.
"You did good, Cordy. Real good." Angel turned his head to the side. Slowly, everything else crept back into place. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that everyone had gotten up from where they had been and had come over to where Angel and I were.
"Cordelia," Angel said softly. "I'm proud of you, but don't let your defense down again with this many people. You're not ready yet."
I nodded. He was right; I knew he was right. I didn't know what I had been thinking. With my eyes cast down towards the floor, I turned to the others. Stealing a glance through my eyelashes, I saw them all staring at me.
I raised my head, giving them all an unsure smile. "Hi."
Giles was the first to speak. "Are you alright?" he asked with deep concern.
I nodded. "I'm tired though."
"This is her first time with more than two people," Angel explained. "She still has work to do, but she can work on it here, just as well as in France."
Still unsure of myself, I hesitantly glanced at the others. Concern was plastered on all their faces. "I'm okay. Really."
"It's good to have you back, Cordy," Buffy said with a smile.
I returned the smile before my eyes slid over to Xander's. His eyes latched onto mine. He didn't smile; he just looked at me as if he were searching for something. As I continued to look at him, the room faded; all I could see was him.
Realizing what was happening, I stumbled backwards a bit, shaking my head. The room came back into view. Taking a few deep, calming breaths, I turned to Giles. "Can I lay down in your office for a little bit?"
"Of course."
**
I had only meant to rest a little, but as it turned out, I had fallen asleep for nearly three hours. When I awoke, I realized that Xander was sitting in Giles' chair, watching me. "Hey," he greeted. He still did not smile, which confused me. I thought that we had gotten past all that bitter anger before I had left.
"Hi," I returned as I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
Standing up, Xander walked towards me. When he sat down next to me, he asked, "How are you feeling?"
I nodded. "Okay. Little bit of a headache, but I feel alright."
"Good." Talk about awkward. For the next couple minutes we sat there quiet, listening to the faint clicking of keys on the keyboard. Finally, Xander spoke again. "Sorry you missed graduation."
I smiled and let out a sigh that resembled a laugh. "Me too."
"You'll still get your diploma as long as you go to school for a couple of hours a day this summer, right?"
"Yeah," I sighed as I smiled at him. "But I really wanted to see you in your cap and gown. Xander looked surprised and my smile faded. "I would've liked to have heard Willow's speech, too. She was valedictorian, right?"
"Yeah. It was a good speech. I didn't fall asleep or anything." My smile returned to my face. "Her dad has it all on video, so I'm sure you'll get to see it. It's on the same tape as prom. We all had to go over to her house so her parents could do that embarrassing 'you're all grown up' thing."
"Prom," I whispered sadly. I had missed prom as well.
"Yeah. I took Buffy."
I looked up. "Oh."
He blushed a little bit before speaking again. "We were both dateless and mopey and loser-like, so we decided to go together."
"Oh," I said again, the sinking feeling in my chest lessening.
"So you and Angel look...close."
Was that a bit of jealousy shining through in his voice? "Yeah. That tends to happen when two people hang for four months. He was the only person besides an old woman I had contact with for four months. He's been helping me."
Xander nodded. "Like today."
"Yeah. He keeps me from stepping over the lines that I'm not ready for." I looked down for a moment, then back up at Xander. "I'm still at risk for...well, you know." He looked at me blankly, but I could tell that he knew. "I could still go crazy from it."
He nodded and before he could say anything, I decided to change the subject. "So, you look good. You cut your hair. I like it."
Running a careless hand through his short brown locks, Xander nodded. "Thanks. You look...good too."
I nearly flinched at the lack of sincerity in his voice. "Wow. Say it like you mean it, why don't you?"
Xander shook his head. "No, Cordy, not like that. It's just, you look tired."
I nodded, understanding. "Four months of intensive mind training will do that to a person." I smoothed my hair down with my hands, trying to think of another subject again. "So, what have you all been up to?"
Xander shrugged. "Killing the Mayor, saving the world, helping restore the balance of good and evil. The usual."
"Where's Wesley? I didn't see him when we came in."
"Oh, he went back to England with Faith. Giles was reinstated after proving his worth by thwarting yet another evil prophecy."
I shook my head in confusion. "Why are Faith and Wesley back in England?"
"You didn't know?"
"What?"
"Faith went bad. She was working with the Mayor."
"Wow. I thought that she was just playing undercover cop. So she was really bad?"
"Yeah." Xander nodded. "It was a big to do. But Wesley took her back to England along with the fifty guards the council sent to escort them."
"Huh." An evil Slayer. That wasn't something you heard about everyday. I watched as Xander turned away, focusing his eyes on the wall. He still hadn't smiled once. The idea of reading his mind to figure out what was going wrong nagged at me. It was tempting, but it was still too risky.
The conversation lulled and after another few minutes of awkwardness, I said, "So..." I didn't really have anything to say, but I felt that I had to cover up the silence anyway.
"So," he repeated. Xander once again turned towards me. "How was France?"
Giving him a small smile, I shrugged. "Boring, and scary."
"France? Scary? Cordelia, you lived on top of a Hellmouth for years, why would France be scary?"
I looked down at my clasped hands that were resting in my lap. "Because Angel was the only person I knew. Because I was away from everything that was important to me." Shaking my head, I tried to will the impending tears away. When I spoke again, my voice shook with emotion. "Because everyday I had to do stuff that I didn't want to. I had to see things that I chilled me to the bone. Because I had to learn how to control something I didn't want in the first place."
Taking a breath, I wiped my eyes and calmed myself. "You don't know what it's like to know what people think about you when they're angry with you." I shook my head. "Angel...he was wonderful and he rarely got mad, but when he did, his thoughts..." I paused again. "I don't want to know exactly what people think of me. It's enough to drive me crazy."
I looked up at Xander for a moment before looking back down and saying quietly, "France was scarier than the Hellmouth because you weren't there."
Moving closer to me, Xander's hand slid over mine and covered it. "I missed you, Cor."
Looking up, I blurted out, "You did?"
Finally, a small smile graced his face as he looked at me with such tenderness in his eyes. "Of course I did. I annoyed Giles on an hourly basis for news about you."
"Well, I missed you too, Xander." Without thinking I moved my arms around him and laid my head on his chest. Smiling when I felt his arms wrap around me tightly, I sighed. "God, I missed you."
After a moment, he pulled back and looked at me straight in the eyes. "Cordelia, I'm sorry..."
Knowing what it was that he was looking to apologize for, I smiled. Not really wanting anything to ruin the moment, I nodded, adding, "Another time, okay?"
"Okay," he answered, giving me a true, genuine Xander smile.
His smile widened as I leaned in towards him. "I'm going to kiss you now," I whispered against his lips. My lips gently brushed against his as my arms tightened around him. It had been to long since we had last kissed.
One of his hands slid up my back and tangled in my hair as his mouth opened and his tongue slipped out to tease mine. After a moment of kissing, he pulled back and looked me directly in the eye. "I love you."
"I know," I smiled back at him.
"My little mind reader."
~**~
End
*Looks around* Hi, my name is Nicollette, and I'm a C/X 'shipper.