"Oz?" I whispered as I continued to stare up at the ceiling of his darkened room. We had been lying on his bed for hours.
"Hmm?"
"What exactly are we doing?"
"Trying to sleep, like normal people?"
"No, I mean, what are we?"
"Human beings?"
"No. Our relationship. Don't you think it's time for us to define what we are and what we're doing?"
"Um, no."
"Huh?"
"We defy definition, Cordy. The Cheerleader May Queen and the Slacker Werewolf Musician. It's Hellmouth stuff."
I giggled a little. "Shut up, Oz."
"Gladly."
After a few moments of silence, I turned onto my side, facing him. "Oz?"
"Hmm?"
"I can't sleep."
"So I gathered."
"And I'm bored too."
His eyes opened slowly and he turned his head towards me. "So now what?"
"Do you want to have sex?"
"Huh?"
"Sex, you know, fucking?"
"Yes, Cordelia, I know what sex is, but it's like almost five in the A.M. We haven't slept in awhile. Aren't you too tired to have sex?"
"Nope. You?" I asked as my mouth found his earlobe.
"Yes, I'm tired...but if you keeping doing that to my earlobe, that may change..."
**
The weekend passed quickly. We hadn't seen Oz's mom since Friday when she had walked in on us. Oz and I didn't really do anything all weekend except have sex and talk about what we were going to do about school. We decided that Oz would go to school on Monday and I'd stay home. I forged a note from my mother, saying that I was ill and that I'd return as soon as the doctor allowed it.
Oz would bring home my books and homework until my bruises had faded enough for me to go back myself. I didn't want to go back...ever, but I couldn't just hang out at Oz's house forever. Someone would start noticing.
While Oz was at school on Monday, I just laid around for most of the day. I called Maria and told her that I was okay and that I was sorry for leaving without saying anything to her. She told me that she understood and that she wouldn't say anything to my mother.
As for my mother, Maria said that she hadn't said anything when she found my room nearly empty. She had just called Rick, telling him to come over. It figured that my absence wouldn't mean anything to her. She didn't care anyway. Absently I wondered who would take care of her if she relapsed again.
Around three in the afternoon, I began to get antsy. Oz would be back soon. It was strange. My feelings for him were strange. It wasn't what I felt for Xander; it was something different. I didn't know how I felt. I didn't think that it was love. At least, not the love I felt for Xander. I still loved Xander, and that made my feelings for Oz all the more confusing.
My feelings for Oz were like my depression. Sometimes they were all consuming and other times they were nearly non-existent. Sitting on his bed, waiting for him to return from school, I felt myself sink down into my depression. How was I supposed to feel about Oz? We were sleeping together. Hell, I was living with him. Was I supposed to love him? What if I didn't feel the way I was supposed to? What if I ended up hurting Oz? How could I live with that?
Right before I felt my eyes tear up, Oz's door opened and he came strolling in, about ten books in his hands. "Hey, Cordy. Here's your homework."
"What? All that's mine?" My voice was dull but shaky.
"Well, all but this book on top. That's mine."
"All that's mine?" I repeated as I laid back on the bed, trying to get my head to stop hurting. My breathing increased when I closed my eyes. I don't know exactly what happened, but I started feeling so bad so quickly. My stomach started clenching and I felt the acid bubble up.
"Cordy? You okay?" I felt Oz sit down next to me, his hand moving to my forehead. I shook my head as my hands clutched at my stomach. "Did you eat lunch?"
I again shook my head. As I felt the familiar fever wash over me, I sat up quickly and jumped off the bed. Running as fast as I could with my still aching body, I just barely made it to the bathroom before I threw up what little there was in my stomach.
**
After I was finished, Oz, who had came into the bathroom and held my hair back, led me back into his room. Laying me down on the bed, he brushed back the hair from my damp face. "What was that all about?"
"I don't know." I shook my head, my eyes slipping from his and focusing on the wall.
"What did you do all day? Did you drink?"
I shook my head again, still not looking at him. "No. I just sat around, thinking."
"Are you still feeling down?"
I almost laughed at how understated that was. Down? I was dispirited, disheartened, dejected, discouraged. I was so down that I don't think that I was technically alive anymore. The urge to laugh was put down quickly enough as the urge to cry overwhelmed me. I turned to the side, facing the wall.
"Cordelia? I don't think... Well, your moods... I think that maybe..."
"You think I'm crazy?" My voice wasn't accusing; it was just dull and lifeless.
"No. But I think you may need help with this. I mean, this morning you were fine. You seemed almost happy, well, okay, not happy, but not on the verge of tears either."
"I don't need help. I just need another life." My tears were soaking the pillow by then. I felt Oz lay down beside me, his arm wrapping around my waist. His breath brushed against my ear as he sighed. Great, now I had depressed him. I decided to change the subject slightly. "I called Maria."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah. She's happy that I got out of there. My mom...my mom doesn't even care that I'm not there."
Oz's hand came up to brush my hair back as he rose up on one elbow. "That may be a blessing, Cordy. She could force you to go back home. She could call the cops and tell them that you are a runaway."
"Oh, God. I am. Oz? I'm a runaway. My life is so fucked up."
"Hey." He turned me so that I was once again on my back. My tears stopped as I looked at him. "Everything's going to be fine."
I sniffled then snuggled against him. "Did you see them today?"
"Who?"
"Willow and Xander? Buffy and Giles?"
Oz sighed as he closed his eyes. "Yes. All of them. It's getting close to the full moon, so Giles wanted to make sure that I'd still be locking myself in the cage. Buffy and I spoke. She wants to know how you're doing. She actually said that she was sorry that Xander and Willow had done that to us. I mean, isn't that funny? She's apologizing and she hasn't done anything wrong, yet Willow and Xander haven't said that they're sorry."
"Yeah, funny." Oz took that moment to lean down and kiss me.
"Willow and I had a long talk," Oz said gently when he pulled away.
I cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah? How'd that go?"
"Oh, you know. Groveling, sniffling, crying, but never once an apology. She said that she and Xander don't want anything more than friendship from each other."
I nodded, wiping away the wetness on my cheeks. "Yeah, that's what Xander said."
"Huh? When did you talk to Xander?"
"When we went to see Giles." I sat up, running my hands through my tangled hair. "He hijacked me and made me listen to him."
"What did he say?" Oz sat up, curiosity written all over his face.
"Does it matter? He didn't say he was sorry." Oz stood up suddenly, looking as though he was debating with himself over something. "What?"
"I have a letter."
"A letter?" I asked, slipping off the bed and standing next to him.
"Yeah, Buffy gave it to me. It's in a sealed envelope and she said it was for you, from Xander. Do, do you want to read it?"
"Yes," I said, a little too quickly. "I-I guess I do, I mean, Oz, I feel, I'm not..."
"It's okay, Cordy." He turned, bending down and removing the envelope from my World History textbook. He handed it to me slowly, biting his lip a little. "I'll just go make something for us to eat. Is your stomach feeling better?" I shrugged. "Well, I'll make something anyway." Oz began to head to the door. Just before exiting the room, he turned. "You going to be okay?" I nodded yes, but was still unsure myself.
When Oz had left, I sat down on the bed, turning the letter over and over in my hands. A letter. A letter from Xander. A letter from Xander, the guy that I loved. A letter from Xander, the guy that I loved and the guy who had broken my heart.
I sat there for another two minutes just looking at the plain white envelope before I opened it. Reading the first line, I started to cry. All it said was 'Dear Cordy,' but that was more than enough. I didn't let my eyes venture farther down. Instead I studied those two words. His handwriting was soft and the D and the C were much bigger than the rest of the letters. It was in black ink. He preferred black ink to blue. He always said that it just looked nicer.
As I began to read the letter, a picture of Xander formed in my mind.
**
Okay, first off, I'm sure that reading a letter from me is the last thing you want to be doing right now, and I certainly don't blame you. Thank you for reading this, if you are.
I am so sorry for everything. I've done nothing but think about what you said for the past couple days and what I've figured out is that I *am* a moron and I deserve to have you hate me for the rest of my life and beyond.
What I did was inexcusable and then when I decided that I wanted you back and didn't even apologize for what I did to you, I just made everything worse. But it wasn't because Willow wants Oz back that I decided that I wanted you. I've always wanted you. It just took kissing and groping my best friend and hurting you for me, the moron and hopeless loser, to figure that out.
I realize that I must be the densest guy alive. See, my problem, as you well know, is that I don't normally think before I act. It's one of my many faults. I'm so sorry that I did this to you. I'm thoughtless and worthless and you deserve so much better. I don't deserve you; I never did. I know that now.
I don't know if what I did is forgivable. I broke your trust and threw away your feelings for me, just for a stupid illicit thrill. It wasn't worth it, not by a long shot. I just hope that one day you won't hate me quite as much, although it would be understandable if you hated me forever.
But judging from the bruises on your face and your absence from school, I think that this, us, me, is probably the least of your problems. I went to your house on Saturday. Your mother answered the door. When I asked if you were home she went off. I'm pretty sure that she was drunk. She just kept yelling stuff about you. Finally, I just left. Some of the things she said scared me, Cordy. Are you okay?
I hope you're safe. I do care for you. That's why I'm stepping back. You have more important things to deal with and me trying to patch things up with you would probably only hurt you more. And I don't want to do that. You've been hurt enough.
I'm so sorry for any tears that you've wasted on me. I'm so not worth them. Thank you for reading. I'm eternally sorry and I love you, Cordy.
Xander.
**
My cheeks were wet with tears as my body shook. I scanned over the letter again, my eyes finding the part where he had written that he was sorry, then trailing down to the 'I love you' part. Half of me wanted desperately to pick up the phone and call him.
I ignored that half as Oz poked his head in the room. "You okay?"
I sniffled, brushing the tears from my eyes and folding the letter into a small square. "Yeah. I'm fine."
**
I was still holding the folded letter when I was sitting at Oz's kitchen table, forcing myself to eat. He had made spaghetti. I'm sure it was good, but I couldn't really taste it. I couldn't smell it or feel it in my mouth. All I could do was mindlessly shovel it in.
"Cordy?" I looked up from my plate. "What are you thinking about?"
It took me a moment for the fog to lift from my mind. "I-I don't know. I don't think that I was thinking about anything." I paused, taking a sip of water. "Or maybe I was thinking about everything. I don't know."
He just nodded. I could tell that he wasn't happy with my answer. "So, what did Xander's letter say?"
My hand tightened around the paper and I felt tears spring up in my eyes. "It said that he was sorry." I looked down at my hand then back up at Oz, the tears slipping out. "And that he's worried about me. I, I guess he figured out that my mom..." I let my words trail off. There was no sense in saying the rest; both Oz and I knew what my mom had done.
"So," Oz said carefully. "What do you think about that? How do you feel about the letter?"
My eyes drifted back down to my plate. "I don't know. H-how do you feel about it?"
Oz smiled then rose from his chair. He walked over to me and took my hand, pulling me onto my feet. Walking to the living room, he sat me down on the couch then sat down next to me. "I feel that whatever you're feeling is okay." I looked at him confused. "Cordy, I know you love Xander." He looked at me seriously. "I know that," he repeated. "So, whatever you're feeling, it's okay with me."
My brow was furrowed as I ran my fingers over his cheek. "B-but..."
He took my hand in both of his and held it to his chest. "How you feel isn't going to hurt me. I'm not going to be mad at you." He closed his eyes for the briefest of moments then opened them, giving me a reassuring smile. "So, how do you feel about the letter, Cordy?"
"It makes me happy. Not completely, but he said he was sorry. He told me he loved me and he's worried about me." I shrugged my shoulders, wishing I could stop the tears from falling. "I love him, Oz."
The sweetest smile I had ever seen graced Oz's face. "I know. I'm happy that you're..."
"Oz?" I pulled my hand from his gently. Leaning in, I pressed my head to his chest, forcing him to lean back against the couch. "I love you."
"I know."
"You know? And you're okay with me loving both you and Xander?"
"I know that you love me in a way that you don't love Xander and vise versa. Cordy, I've never thought that you'd love me in the way that would make you want to be with me forever."
I lifted my head, my eyes staring into his. "I do want to be with you forever." He smiled a lopsided smile that caused me to furrow my brow. "What?"
He shook his head. "Sometimes you're so confusing, Cordy."
"What? How am I confusing? I love you and I want to be with you forever." It wasn't a hard concept to grasp. I wondered why he wasn't getting it.
"I know you love me. But I don't think you want to be with me forever. I think you want to be with Xander forever."
Sliding away from him, I moved to the other side of the couch. "You don't get it. I love Xander. And he's whom I'm meant to be with in this life, or hell, maybe just for right now, but you are who I'm supposed to be with forever. Our souls are linked. I know you can feel that."
He arched his eyebrows and shook his head again. "I don't understand."
Pouting slightly, I returned to him, once again laying my head on his chest. As I felt his arms wrap around me, I sighed. "I don't understand either, Oz. Maybe we don't have to. I know that I love Xander and I also know that I love you. Does everything have to be crystal clear all the time?"
"No, I guess not."
**
We sat there for hours not speaking, just listening to each other breathe. It was nice to have his arms around me and to hear the thump of his heart.
"Cordy?" Oz finally broke the silence.
"Yeah?"
"You ate an entire meal without throwing up."
I smiled, so much for keeping with the somber mood. "Yeah, a miracle, huh?" I tilted my head up and saw his grin. "It probably helps that I haven't had any vodka yet today."
"Good. Let's keep it that way." I must have been looking at him funny, because he continued. "I mean, until your stomach calms down and you start feeling better, I think we should lay off the sauce for a bit."
My smile turned into a small sexy smirk. "Well, you know, I'm feeling a lot better. In fact, I think I am totally healed."
Oz chuckled as his head bowed, his lips brushing my cheek. I moved my head up more and my lips captured his. I attacked and felt him smile in return. Before either of us had noticed, I was straddling him.
I moved my mouth down to his neck where it attached itself, sucking and nipping. His hands moved to my sides, brushing up my t-shirt and finding their way under it. I felt his cock swell between my legs as his hands roamed lightly over my skin. Gently his palms brushed against my sore nipples and I gave a little hiss.
"Still hurt?"
Moving my mouth to his earlobe, I whispered, "Not too bad." His hands withdrew from my breasts and slid behind my back. Oz tugged up my shirt and lifted my arms so he could rid me of it. As I continued to suck on his earlobe, his mouth found my shoulder, kissing the skin. His hands moved to the elastic of my sweat pants and I felt myself grow wet.
"You know," he mumbled against my shoulder. "We're in my living room. My mom could come home at any time."
I pulled back, giving him an incredulous look. "She's already seen it and didn't seem to mind." My mouth swooped down and kissed him passionately. Pulling back, I rocked my hips against his. "Now, let's get you out of those clothes."
I moved off of him and stood up. Quickly removing my pants and panties, I held out my arms. He took my hands and stood up. "Cordy?"
"Mmmm?" I responded as I nearly ripped off his shirt. My hands found the buckle of his belt and began to work at it.
"Are you sure?"
I whipped the belt from the loops in his pants and tossed it to the floor. "About what?"
"Doing this. I mean, you seemed like you were, you know, happy about Xander's letter." His hands stilled mine as they tried to unbutton his jeans.
"I am happy about his letter. This, what we're doing, has nothing to do with him or the letter." He looked at me with such emotion that I took a step back. "What?"
"Cordelia, you love him and having heard you say that, it makes this seem wrong."
Wrapping my arms around my waist, my eyes narrowed and I moved back another step. "What?" That was all I could manage to say.
He took a step towards me. "You love Xander, and I'm cool with that, but it just seems to me that this is wrong."
"No. You've known since that first Saturday night that I love Xander."
"We were drunk."
"And what about the next time after that? Huh? Your logic just doesn't track. You're the one who didn't want to define what we were. And I didn't think that this was something that was wrong. Is that what you've been thinking this whole time?" As I spoke, my voice increased in volume. Oz took another step towards me, his hands out, trying to quiet me. "No," I said as I took another step back and I nearly hit my head on the mantle.
"Cordelia, I don't think that what we did before was wrong, but now that..."
"Shut up!" My legs felt weak and my whole body was shaking. I sank down, drawing my legs up and wrapping my arms around them. "If you don't want me, just say it, Oz. I don't have to be here. I can leave."
"What are you talking about? I don't want you to leave." He knelt down in front of me, his eyes never leaving mine. "Cordy, I do want you. But I don't want..."
"To fuck me? I don't understand what's so different about today. We fucked last night, Oz. What's wrong about doing it again today?"
Oz shook his head. "Cordy, please."
"Cordy, please, what? I don't understand. And you're not helping me. I'm going to take a leap and ask you if this is about your father." I saw the emotion drain from his face and his eyes turn to steel. I didn't know why I jumped to that conclusion. I really didn't think that it had anything to do with what was happening between Oz and me. I think that I just wanted to put the focus on him and his problems for once. Sometimes I can just be plain insensitive. "Is that it? Are you..."
"Shut up, Cordy. Why do you do that? Why do you push?"
My face softened as I saw the hurt on his face. "I didn't know that I was pushing. I was just..."
"Can't you let things drop?" Oz scooted backwards, away from me. Somehow the tables of our argument had turned. I didn't like it, nor did I understand it. He was getting too upset, too fast.
"Oz, I was trying to understand. I wasn't trying to..."
"Yes, you were. You were bringing it up, like what happened with my father influences everything I do." He continued to move back until his back was against the couch. "I don't know what you want, Cordelia. You already know what he did. You already know! What else do you want me to tell you?"
"I-I-I don't know," I stumbled. I was unprepared for this type of reaction or behavior from Oz. Even when he had been upset before, he was always still stable. Realizing that he hadn't said anything further, I looked at him and for the first time saw that he was lying on the floor, curled up in a little ball. "Oz?"
I got up and walked slowly towards him. Lowering to my knees, I tentatively touched his shoulder. When he didn't react, I lifted his head and placed it in my lap, my hand gently stroking his hair. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just kept repeating, "I'm sorry."
After a long period of silence, I heard him whisper. "I was so little." I felt warm tears splash down onto my thighs before he moved to sit up. He didn't withdraw from me completely; he allowed me to keep my arms around him.
"Oz?"
"I didn't, I didn't know it was wrong. It was just...something we did. And then he got mean and all of the sudden, nothing ever felt more wrong." Oz's voice was tired and dull as he stared at the picture in the iron frame that sat on the mantle. The one of him and his father. "Nothing I could say would stop him from doing it, from making me. And I would cry and that would just make him angrier. And he'd hit me harder. Once in a while I'd hit back. It was a pretty funny sight, a scrawny little kid trying to hit a grown man."
He turned to me with tears rolling down his eyes. There was so much pain in those beautiful orbs. "I couldn't tell my mom. He made sure that I knew what would happen if I did. When she found out, she took a knife after him. But he was big and had more practice fighting. I don't think I've ever seen my mother cry as hard as she did that night."
Before I could ask, Oz answered my question. "She had come home early." He shook his head, then continued, his voice still void of emotion. "She came into the room and saw us. I was so scared. Of him and what he would do, but also of my mother. I didn't want her to be mad at me."
He sighed, then wiped at his eyes. His tears had stopped falling. "My mom told him that the only way she'd stay was if he stopped. And for a while he did. But it wasn't long. And my mom knew and she tried to protect me, but he'd just hit her. He always got what he wanted."
"I know she still feels bad about it. I think that's why she drinks so much. She thinks she's failed me or something." Oz grasped my head in his hands, his thumbs rubbing my cheeks, and looked straight into my eyes. When he spoke, his voice had taken on a shaky, weak quality. "I'm sorry, Cordy. I didn't mean to make you mad."
"Oh, no. Oz. No, it's okay. I'm not mad. God, Oz. I'm the one who's sorry."
"No," he protested. "You weren't pushing. It's not your fault. That was me. I'm just fucked up."
"Don't say that."
"It's true. But I've been fucked up for so long that it's just normal for me." We were both silent for a moment. He got up and walked to the mantle, picking up the picture. As he stood there studying it, I stood up as well, gathered my clothes and got dressed.
Moving up next to him, I pressed myself to his back, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Are you okay?"
He shook his head. "I was so little, Cordy." He moved out of my arms, the picture still in his hand. His free hand took a hold of one of mine and led me back to the couch. I sat down and waited as he placed his head in my lap. "At first it would be just...touching. I thought that all dads did that. I didn't know. And then he'd make me touch him and I still thought that it was normal. Then he'd make me take him in my mouth. I didn't like it; I didn't want to do it. But he told me that it was okay, so I did it. I mean, other than that, everything was great between us. He was nice and we'd go out and do stuff like fishing and all that male stuff."
Once again I felt the warmth of his tears soaking my sweat pants. "One day we were wrestling around. Mom was at my aunt's and wouldn't be home until late that night. That's, that's when it happened." His voice broke and I could hear the pain and fear of the small child inside. The only thing I could do was to continue to stroke his hair and run my hand down his arm, trying to comfort and support him.
"I didn't even know that that type of thing could happen. I was only eight. One minute we're wrestling and the next, he's got my pants down and he's inside of me. God, Cordy, it hurt." At this point, his voice stopped as sobs overtook him. It was the first time I'd ever seen anyone cry like that.
Moving his head gently, I stretched out next to him, one hand still running through his hair and the other reaching around and rubbing his back. I kissed his forehead and then as best I could, I tried to reassure him that it was okay.
**
Oz had cried himself to sleep after nearly two hours of broken sobs. Yawning, I heard the front door open. I gently moved off of the couch to see his mother, standing just inside the door rubbing her eyes. I cleared my throat and she looked up.
"Oh, hey," she yawned. "Cordelia, right?" I gave her a small smile and a nod. "Where's Oz?" I pointed to the couch. Closing and locking the door behind her, she moved into the living room. Orianna studied the face of her sleeping son. "Was he crying?"
"Yeah," I whispered as I bent down to gently pry the picture frame out of Oz's hand. I handed the woman the picture. "You should probably think about not putting that back up on the mantle."
She looked at me with surprise. "He, he told you?" I nodded. "I don't think he's told anybody, you know. Not even that red haired girl, Willow."
"No, he hasn't. I doubt he would've told me, but I sort of guessed and tonight...well, I don't know what happened, but he told me a lot."
"So, what do you think?"
I turned to her, confused. "What?"
"Do you think I'm a terrible mother? I knew about it, but I didn't do anything about it."
"That's not what I heard. I heard that you tried to." Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair. "I think you were a good mother. At least you tried. He doesn't blame you, you know. You should stop blaming yourself."
Orianna snorted. "Yeah, like it's that easy."
"Listen, my mother is a terrible mother. Where as you love your son and tried to protect him, my mother doesn't even like me and likes to hit me."
She looked down, then looked back at me. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned to go. "I've got to get to bed; it's late. I can't afford to lose this job too. You're welcome to stay here as long as you'd like, Cordelia."
"Thank you."
After she had gone upstairs, I took a folded blanket off the armchair and draped it over Oz before slipping under it myself. Oz's mother had been right. It was late. It had been such a terribly long day.
**
Tuesday morning rolled around, catching both Oz and I unprepared. We woke up late; the only reason we woke up at all was because his mom came in and informed us before she left for work that it was nearly nine in the morning. I was still trying to get up off the couch without falling over when he rushed out the door to head for school. He didn't even say goodbye.
I wondered about his hasty departure for a while, but then I chalked it up to him just being late. I probably should've given it more thought, but instead, I filled my day with rereading Xander's letter and trying to start doing my homework. After reading about the Bolshevik Revolution and answering the end of the chapter questions, I figured that I had done enough for the day. Settling down on Oz's bed, I read the letter for what was probably the twentieth time that day.
I fell asleep some time around one and when I woke up, it was after four. I sat up and glanced around the room. Oz should've been back by then, so I stood and slowly made my way out of his room. Searching the entire house and not finding him anywhere, I began to get worried. There were a couple hours of daylight left and that wasn't what I was worried about. Actually, I can really say what exactly I was worried about. All I knew was that he was supposed to be home and he wasn't.
I sat down in the living room for an hour waiting for him, but he never walked through the door. I walked back upstairs and picked up the phone in his room. Dialing the numbers to the library quickly, I walked to the window, still keeping an eye out for Oz.
"Good evening, Sunnydale High School Library, Rupert Giles speaking."
"Giles?"
"Yes? Cordelia, are you all right?" I heard some scuffling in the background and the faint sound of Xander's voice.
"Yes, well, no. I mean, I'm okay, but do you know where Oz is?"
"No, Willow was just about to call there. He did not attend classes today."
My brow furrowed in confusion. "What? I saw him leave for school, he was running late, but he did go."
"Well, according to Xander, Willow and Buffy, they haven't seen him all day."
"Oh." My heart began to pound as my mind began swirling with ideas of where he was.
"Cordelia, is everything all right?" he asked, the concern apparent in his voice.
"Yeah. It's fine. He probably just skipped to practice with Devon."
"Perhaps." There was a pause and then a lengthy sigh. "I'm being bombarded with people who would like to talk to you. Would you like to speak with them?"
I shook my head, as if he could see. "No. Not right now, but...maybe sometime. I have to go."
"Yes, well, let us know if you need anything, and, uh, don't worry, I'm sure that Oz is fine and he'll be back soon."
"Yeah. Bye," I said absently as I hung up the phone. The worry within me had grown into a panic. Oz hadn't gone to school. Quickly moving into the spare bedroom and digging though my bags, I changed out of the sweat pants and t-shirt into something a little more stylish, and a lot less comfortable.
**
"Devon?" I called from the doorway. I had walked clear across town to Devon's house, hoping that Oz was with him or that he knew where I could find me. I wish I had brought my car, but no, it was still sitting in front of my house. A lot of good it did me there. "Hey, Devon?" I slowly walked down the stairs to Devon's basement. I could hear Mike tuning up his bass.
Devon looked up from his comic book. "Hey, Cordelia. Damn, who did that to you?"
I huffed. I was in no mood to talk about my appearance. "No one. Listen, have you seen Oz?"
"Yeah, he was here for like five minutes sometime this morning. I asked if he wanted to practice but he said he had stuff to do."
"Well did he say where he was going?"
Devon smiled. "Why? Are you and Oz like a thing now?"
"A thing? Devon, grow up. Do you know where he is?"
The smile still remained on his face as Devon shook his head. "Nah. He didn't say. But if you really want to find him, look down by the docks. He usually goes down there when he doesn't want to be found. There's a big warehouse down there, the big red one with 'Canton' painted in white letters, he's probably sitting on top of the roof."
I smiled at my ex boyfriend sincerely. "Thank you."
**
"Oz?" I called to the figure I saw straight in front of me. I had climbed to the top of the warehouse, hoping that Oz would be there. "Oz?" I called again.
He didn't turn around. "It's dark out, Cordy. You shouldn't be out."
"Neither should you." Walking up behind him, I placed my hand on his shoulder. I moved it off when I felt him flinch. Sitting down next to him close to the edge, I waited for a moment before speaking. "So what are you doing up here all alone in the dark? Have you been up here all day?"
"Want to hear something funny?" I figured it was a rhetorical question, so I didn't answer. "I failed last year for Willow." I turned, studying his profile as he stared off into the night sky. "I liked her so much and I knew that we'd never be close if I graduated, so I set out to fail. That's pretty pathetic."
"Oz..."
"I don't even know if I love her."
"What? I thought..."
"Yeah, I thought so too. I thought I did, but I don't know."
I laid my hand on his thigh. "Why didn't you go to school today?"
"Too much to think about. Those things I said last night," he said as he looked me in the eye. "I've never said those things before. Ever. It's a strange feeling."
"Good or bad?" I asked, feeling his hand cover mine.
"Both. I'm sorry about yesterday. I really am. And before you interrupt me and tell me I have nothing to be sorry for, let me finish. I get weird sometimes, especially when it comes to people leaving. And I really am cool with your feelings for Xander, but I just, I don't want to be alone."
Leaning towards him, I laid my head on his shoulder, giving his neck a quick kiss. "I'm not leaving. You're not going to be alone, Oz. I love Xander, that's true, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to get back together with him."
"Yes, you are." I pulled back, about to protest, but he silenced me. "And I think you should. I know you care for me, but it's not the same as how you feel for him. I can deal. I had sort of an irrational reaction. But you do love him and I can see it in your eyes. You will make up with him and you will be happy with him."
I sat there staring at him with my mouth hanging open for a minute. "How the hell do you know me so well?"
"Because I think you were right. About our souls being linked. I think that we're soul mates."
"Well, then shouldn't we be together?"
He smiled one of his knowing smiles. "We'd never work. We're too wounded. Together like that, we'd just make a mess. But together like this, as friends, we're on our way to greatness, I think." He placed a tender kiss on my forehead. "I think we'll probably always be together, maybe just not an active couple? Did that make any sense?" he asked with a confused look.
I smiled. "I understood. Are you going to go back to Willow?"
He shook his head. "I guess I'll try to be friends with her, but I don't think I should be with anyone right now. It'd be too hard. Maybe some day..."
"I love you, Oz."
The smile that graced his face made my heart melt. "I love you too, Cordy."
"I can still sleep in your bed, right? I mean, that's a perk of being soul mates, right?" Smiling tenderly, I ran my hand across his cheek. "I mean, even if we don't have sex anymore, I'd still like to feel your arms around me when I fall asleep."
He chuckled and nodded, but soon his face grew serious. "Out of everybody I know, you're the person I feel the closest to."
"Oz?" My voice was hesitant. "You remember how you said that maybe I couldn't handle all my problems by myself? That maybe I need help with them?" He nodded. "Well, I'll get help if you do. You've got stuff to work out too."
He chuckled and at my perplexed look, he spoke. "I just really hate therapists. But if me going to one will get you to go, then I'll do it. Who knows, it might even help me."
**
"This is stupid!" I yelled as I threw my pencil against the wall.
"What's wrong?" Oz asked as he came and sat down next to me on the floor.
"This," I said as I angrily knocked my Pre-cal book off the broken amplifier that I had been using as a makeshift desk.
Oz sighed and picked up the book, turning back to the page it had been opened to. "What's wrong?" he repeated.
"I don't get it."
"What don't you get?"
"All of it."
Quietly, he studied the book for a moment. "It's okay, I'll explain it. It's easy."
"It's not easy! If it were easy, I would know how to do it."
"I just meant..."
I stood up, once again knocking the book over. "I know what you meant. You meant that it's easy for you. Why is it you and Willow can just look at that stuff and have it make sense and I can't even understand the words they use to explain how to do it?" I threw myself down on the bed and buried my head in the pillows.
I felt the bed sag a bit when Oz sat down. He started to rub my shoulders and I couldn't help the tears that poured from my eyes. Luckily Oz couldn't see them. "How is it that you can draw a beautiful landscape and I can't even draw a stick figure standing by his stick house? People are just different, Cordy. It's not really explainable."
"I hate math," I mumbled into the pillows, loud enough for Oz to hear.
"I don't like it much either, and I'm good at it." His hands went under my shoulder and tried to turn me over. I didn't let him. "Cordy. Look at me?" I sniffed, trying to get the tears to stop. Slowly I turned over and he quickly saw my tears. "Why are you crying? Not knowing how to do math is not the end of the world, so why the tears?"
"Because I'm stupid and I can't do math and I'm self centered and I'm materialistic and I'm a bad person and I judge people and..."
Oz shook his head. "I'm guessing that this isn't about the math any more."
"I suck. My life sucks. Everything sucks."
Oz raised his eyebrows at me. "Just out of curiosity, did you set up that appointment with that therapist yet?"
I nodded. "Next week on Thursday. Why?"
"Because you seem a bit emotional right now and all this was set off by math. I'm just worried about you." Oz stretched out beside me. "I know you've had a good couple of days here, but it's obvious that you're still depressed."
"I know. And I'm tired of it. I want to be happy and not cry all the time."
"It'll happen. I know it'll happen. Just not overnight." He ran a finger over my cheek and changed the subject slightly. "Your bruises are fading."
"Yeah. Pretty soon they'll be gone." I yawned and wiped the remaining tears from my eyes.
"Tired?" I nodded. "Look at that. You're even getting onto a regular sleep schedule. It's not even midnight." He smiled at me then pulled the blanket over my body.
"I do love you, Oz."
His smile grew. "I know you do. I love you too." Oz slowly got off the bed. "I'm just going to turn off the light. So close your eyes, sleepy girl."
I smiled at him then closed my eyes. I must have fallen directly to sleep because I didn't even notice when the lights went off or when he slipped into bed next to me.
**
The days passed quickly. My bruises had faded sufficiently enough for me to be able to hide the more visible ones with make up. I was still depressed; there was no denying that. I still didn't eat like I used to and I was still sleeping a lot of the day away. With Oz's help, I finished all my homework and by Monday, I was on my way back to school.
My stomach fluttered nervously as I stared out the van window. My eyes followed a few kids on their way up to the school.
"Nervous?" I nodded my head, still staring at the school. My fingers picked at the fabric of the passenger seat. "Cordy, you're going to be fine. You're strong. You can do this, and the last time we were in this situation we had a whole big confrontation to look forward to. Now, it's just a day of school. No big deal."
"Yeah," I sighed. "No big deal. 'Cept that Buffy, Xander and Willow are in there. And Harmony, Celeste, and Bridget, not to mention Aura, Blu, and Cera. And, Xander. Did I already say him?"
Oz laughed. "Yes, Cordy, you did. But it'll be okay. I promise."
I looked at him seriously and felt my courage build. "Okay." Nodding my head, I repeated, "Okay. Let's go."
**
As we walked down the hall, my heart beating a mile a minute, my eyes were glued to the floor. I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to get to my locker.
"Cordelia!" I flinched at the voice. Harmony. "Cordy, long time, no see. Heard you were sick." She came up next to me and I stopped, my stomach further twisting into knots. "I heard a rumor that you dumped that loser, Xander. Good move." She smiled nauseatingly at me. "And I see you've moved on," she said as she turned her attention to Oz. "Good, choice. Much cooler than Harris."
Swallowing against the lump in my throat, I smiled back. "Actually, Oz and I aren't dating. Friends."
"Friends?" Harmony asked confused.
"Yeah, you know, where two people like each other and hang out a lot," Oz explained. He turned to me, "We're going to miss first period."
"Right." I smiled at the blonde still looking at us like we were from another planet. "I'll see you around, Harmony." Once again walking towards my locker, we left my former friend behind. "I guess she didn't hear about Xander and Willow, huh? I'm sure if she had, she would've rubbed that in my face."
Oz stopped in front of my locker and waited for me to open it. Handing me my books, which I shoved in the locker, he smiled. "I thought that went well. See? I told you everything was going to be okay."
"Yeah, well, I haven't seen Xander yet."
"He's in your first period, right?" I nodded. "Listen, I've got to go. My music teacher hates when I'm late. But I'll see you at lunch."
"Right. Hey, are you going straight to the library after school?"
"Well, not straight there. The sun doesn't set for at least a couple hours after the bell rings." He smiled. "We'll meet here and then I'll take you out and buy you very fattening food, 'cause you're still too skinny, and then I'll come back and be dog-in-a-cage boy."
**
Walking into first period, I quickly scanned the room. Nearly everyone was looking at me. They were probably wondering where I had been and why I was acting so...nervous. I saw Xander sitting in the back and wouldn't you know it? The only open seat was the one next to him.
Oz's voice rang in my head, telling me that it was okay, that everything was going to be okay. I moved forward, my eyes looking at the tiled floor. Sitting down in the chair, I placed my purse and my History textbook on the floor and set the book and notebook that I'd need for this class on my desk. Quickly I turned to Xander, before my courage could escape, and found him watching me. "Hi," I said awkwardly. He seemed shocked and didn't reply.
Mrs. O'Donnell spoke, making all the students quiet. I turned towards the front, but I was very aware through the entire class of what the boy next to me was up to.
At the end of class, as I stood up, Xander spoke. "How are you doing, Cordelia?" He was nervous. His voice was shaky and he was doing that thing with his hands. Whenever he was nervous, his hands stayed in perpetual motion.
Taking a deep breath, I nodded. "Okay. You?"
"Good. I'm good." He looked down for a moment then back up at me. "It's good to have you back. I missed you."
"Yeah." I didn't know that seeing him and talking to him could hurt so much. There were so many things that I wanted to say, but I couldn't force them out of my mouth. Gathering my things, I saw him do the same. "We're going to be late for Mr. Thompson's."
"Ah," he dismissed with a wave of his hand. "All he's been talking about is some dead guys from Russia." His smile faded a bit. "Do you think that we can talk? If you don't want to, that's cool. But if you do, we can skip and go somewhere..." His words were rushed.
"I can't skip, Xander. I've already missed too much."
He nodded and I could tell that he thought that I was blowing him off. "Right, that's cool."
"Xander, I'm not saying that we can't talk. I want to talk. I need to talk, but just not here and now, okay?"
An understanding smile crossed his face. "Okay. Well, can I walk you to class then?"
I nodded and began to walk with him next to me. "So? Dead guys from Russia?"
**
"So, you talked to him right?" I nodded. "So?" Oz asked as he patiently waited for the details.
"We're going to talk tonight. After you do the wolfy thing," I said right before taking a bite of the lunch before me. "I can not believe that they call this stuff food."
"Yeah it's a crime against humanity."
"So? How 'bout you? Seen Willow?"
"Yeah, she's right over there." He nodded to his left. I turned to see Willow, Buffy and Xander all eating lunch and trying not to look directly over here.
I smiled, turning back to Oz. "Have you talked to her?"
"Nope."
"Are you going to?"
"Nope." He smiled. "Is it wrong for me to get pleasure out of seeing her be so pitiful for a while?"
I pretended to think about it for a moment, then nodded my head. "Yes, it probably is, but don't worry, I'm right there with you. I think she can stand to suffer a bit longer." Glancing back at Willow, I asked, "She still hasn't said that she was sorry? Like not once?"
He shook his head, then tilted it to the side in a mild concession. "Well, she may have technically apologized. But it's like she's said everything *but* the words 'I'm sorry, Oz.' It's annoying. That's want I want to hear. Is that wrong of me?"
I shook my head. "No. I think it's probably natural to need to hear those words. I know that I wanted to hear them from Xander."
"So when you make up with Xander tonight," Oz started.
"You don't know that I'll be making up with him," I said defiantly.
"You will be. So when you do, you're still gonna be sleeping in my bed, right?"
My smile grew. "Well, is there another free bed in your house that I could sleep in?"
"Nope. You'll just have to make due with mine." He smiled back at me then his expression changed to a serious one. "I am wondering how long you'll be wanting to do that. Especially since you and Xander..."
"Oz, we aren't doing anything but sleeping anymore. There's nothing wrong with that, you know. And I don't care if Xander has a problem with it. It's not his choice. As long as you'll have me..."
"You can stay as long as you'd like. I'd rather you be at my house than at yours."
"You and me both."
**
"No, we'll keep an eye on Oz, Giles, he'll be fine," Xander said, urging the Watcher to leave.
Giles moved towards the door, looking back at us. "Did you let Willow know..."
"Yes, G-man, she knows that Cordy and I are here and taking care of the Ozwolf. She's got some Calc. test to study for anyway."
"Right then, goodnight. Don't fall asleep this time, Xander. If you get tired, call me, I'll come in."
After Giles had finally left and Xander and I had the library to our selves, my heart began to beat faster. I shifted in the hard wooden chair. "So. How are things between you and Willow?" I asked, even though I didn't really care.
Xander settled in a chair across the table from me, his hands busy randomly flipping a book over and over. "Oh, you know. Not smoochie."
I shook my head. "What does that mean?"
"It's friend-like, not kissing romance stuff." I nodded, my eyes fixed on his hands. He really did have nice hands. "So, you and Oz..."
"Just friends."
"Listen, Cordy, I'm so sorry for what I did. And I can't ask you to forgive me because I don't deserve it."
"No, you don't." I looked him straight in the eye, part of me felt elated at the sadness I saw in his. "But I forgive you anyway."
His brow furrowed. "What?"
"I forgive you. You did something stupid, Xander. But it's not something that can't ever be forgiven. You didn't kill my puppy or anything."
"You don't have a dog."
I sighed at the confusion in his voice. "Very good, Xander. You kissed your best friend. It was bound to happen." I paused. "It just happened at a really shitty time." I glanced towards the cage, watching Oz prowl around slowly. My eyes returned to Xander. "I can forgive you for that. You've apologized and I'm pretty sure that you meant it."
He nodded emphatically. "I do mean it. I *am* sorry."
"I know." I nodded.
"I love you."
I nodded again. "I know that too. And that's why it hurt so much. I couldn't fathom why you would do something like that to someone you really cared about, someone that you loved. It made no sense."
"Cordy, I..."
I held up my hand to stop his words. "Just let me talk. I realized that it didn't have to make sense. The only thing that mattered was that you did love me and that I love you. I want you in my life even though you messed up. I don't want to hate you, so I'm choosing not to."
"Cordy," he whispered as his hand slide across the table. His fingertips brushed mine. I smiled and let his hand cover mine, secretly reveling in the warmth as his big hand closed around my small one.
"Now, I'm not saying that we can pick up where we left off, because that's not good. But I am willing to start over."
He smiled brilliantly at me. "Does that mean we get to go back to Buffy's basement and pretend we're about to become worm food?"
Taking a deep breath, I smiled. "No. It means that this Friday night you get to take me out on our first date. And I expect it to be a great first date. After all, I am Cordelia Chase and I do have my standards. If you impress me on Friday, I might think about keeping you around for a bit."
He laughed and squeezed my hand. "Are you going to still be staying with Oz?"
I nodded. "I can't really go home. There's not much of a choice. I'll probably call my father and let him know that I'm no longer living there. Of course, I'll probably only get his secretary, but hey..."
"I'm sorry."
"About what? My family? Don't be. Not your fault."
"Yeah, but still, I wish that I could've been there for you."
I shook my head. "It's okay. I think Oz was what I needed; he and I are a lot alike."
Xander turned to the cage, studying the werewolf held captive within it. "I'm glad you're doing better and once Oz isn't so snarly and bitey, I'll thank him." He turned back to me. "I'll apologize to him too."
"I think that'd be good. And you might want to mention to Willow that if she wants Oz's forgiveness, she'll probably have to actually say the words, 'I'm sorry', it's what he's waiting for."
"Do you think that they'll get back together?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "We'll see."
Xander thought about it for a moment then shrugged his shoulders as well as a smile once again found his lips. "Have I told you lately how unbelievably smart and beautiful and wonderful you are?"
My mouth curved up in a smile. "Not in a really long time and you know, hearing all that as many times as possible before Friday will improve your standing with me, which will improve your chances that I'll have a good time on Friday. So, just how smart, beautiful and wonderful am I?"
As he began to speak, I allowed my eyes to close and I realized that for the first time in a while, my heart didn't hurt. I was still depressed, but not like before. Now I could breath; now I could think; now I could smile. My heart was still heavy, but it no longer ached. And for the first time since this whole thing began, I could actually picture myself being happy again. It wouldn't come quickly and it wouldn't come easily, but somehow, I just knew that it would come.
**
End