Angel gently placed Xander, who was now snoring, in the bed, tucking the covers in around him. Ignoring the stench of stale beer that emanated from the boy, the vampire placed a soft kiss on Xander's forehead. Angel had taken off Xander's rain soaked clothes the moment they had stepped into the mansion. Now, Angel set about peeling the wet clothes from his own body. "I hope you're too drunk to dream tonight, Xander," he mumbled, stealing a glance at the boy.
#####
Xander sat on his childhood bed. The bed held nothing but bad memories. He felt the anxious, uneasy feeling in his stomach. It was as if he was once again a child. He was sitting on his bed and staring at the door, just waiting for it to open.
Just as it had in the past, the doorknob turned and the door opened slowly. Xander pinched his eyes closed. He didn't need to see any more. The waiting was over.
"Open your eyes, you little fuck." His father's voice was deep and slurred from the alcohol he had undoubtedly consumed.
Xander shook his head. He felt the bed sag next to him as his father sat down, then he heard it. The sound of his father's knuckles cracking. It was the sound that put fear in Xander's heart and froze his mind.
A hand wrapped tightly in his hair. "Open your fucking eyes." Xander's head was viciously yanked back when he failed to comply. "Open your fucking eyes, NOW."
One or two rogue tears slipped from his eyes as the lids slowly opened. Xander's eyes took a moment to adjust and to focus. It was not his father's hard face that greeted him. It was Kevin's.
Kevin smiled and relaxed his hand in Xander's hair. "See? I don't want to hurt you, baby. But I will when you make me." Xander's eyes moved from Kevin's mouth down to the floor. He sat quietly, just as he had when he was a young boy and it was his father sitting next to him, touching him. Kevin's hands moved over his body, removing clothes and caressing the bare skin. Xander remained passive as Kevin gently turned him onto his stomach and slightly parted his legs.
It wasn't until he felt Kevin's hands spread him open that Xander said anything. "I don't want to do this."
"What?" Kevin asked as he positioned his cock against Xander's tight opening.
"I don't want to do this," he repeated louder.
Before Xander got out the last word, Kevin pushed forward, burying his cock completely into Xander. Xander cried out, but the man on top of him just ignored it. "Too late, Xander."
#####
Xander awoke covered in sweat with tears leaking from his eyes. He was breathing hard and he could feel the nausea rising in him. The disturbing dream that was already fading from his mind, coupled with the beer he had consumed earlier, proved to be too much.
Xander quickly stumbled from the bed, falling down to the floor with a quiet thud. Crawling, he made his way to the bathroom. He didn't bother with the light; he just felt his way to the toilet. As his arms wrapped around the porcelain, his stomach began to empty itself. He tried to ignore the tears that ran freely down his face. He tried to ignore the awful pain of his abdominal muscles. But he could ignore neither.
The light flipped on and seconds later, strong arms and hands encompassed him as he continued to heave. One hand pressed up against his stomach for support and the other ran through his thick damp hair then rubbed his neck, shoulders and back.
Angel. It was his Angel. It was Angel's hands on him. It was Angel helping him.
It was Angel seeing him like this.
As his stomach stilled, Xander sat back on his heels. Angel's hand continued to rub his back. The boy's hands found the vampire's chest and he pushed back, breaking the connection.
"Xander?"
"Just leave me alone."
"You know I'm not going to do that."
Xander stood up on shaky legs, flushed the toilet and began to walk out of the bathroom.
"Where are you going?"
"To get something to drink."
Angel stood up, the fingers on one hand moving back and forth over the fingers of the other. "Non-alcoholic, right?"
Xander turned around, his eyes narrowed into slits. "Do you have anything but?" he snapped before walking away as quickly as he weak legs would take him.
*****
Angel found Xander sitting at the kitchen table, chugging a large glass of water. His eyes were closed as he set down the empty glass. "Want me to get you more?" Angel asked.
Xander sighed and ran his hands over his face. "Can't you just leave me alone for a while?"
"No," Angel said in a soft voice as he shook his head. "I can't, Xander. And I don't think that you want me to."
"I wouldn't ask you to leave me alone if I didn't want you to." Xander stood up, roughly knocking his chair back. He picked up the empty glass and began to carry it to the sink.
"Xander, I know you think..." Angel's words were cut off by Xander throwing the glass at him. Luckily for Angel, Xander was either just a bad aim or still too drunk to aim; the glass missed him by a foot. Ignoring the sound of breaking glass, the vampire focused on Xander.
The boy had dropped to the floor and had brought up his knees to his chest as he rested back against the counter. The heels of his hands were pressing into his temples as he shook his head. Xander didn't know why he had thrown the glass at the only person who has ever loved him completely. He loved Angel; he knew that. He didn't want Angel to leave, ever.
Xander flinched when he felt a cool hand rest on his shoulder. "Xander?" He just continued to shake his head. He was ashamed and embarrassed and just downright scared. "It's okay," Angel whispered. "You're okay." The vampire slid his arms around the boy.
"No," Xander nearly moaned. Angel began to take his arms away, afraid that he was scaring his lover again, but Xander's hands clutched at him, holding him in place. "I'm never going to be okay."
Angel tightened his arms, wanting so badly to take away Xander's pain. "You are okay. It's okay." He placed a little kiss on Xander's temple. "What your feeling is okay."
In response, Xander just shook his head.
*****
When Xander awakened, it was night again. "Angel?" He turned to see that the vampire was not in bed. "Angel?" he called louder, the panic growing in his voice. Xander jumped out of bed, ignoring the stabbing pain in his head.
He moved through the house with efficiency, calling out his lover's name. Each time he got no response, the fear and panic within him worsened. It wasn't until he reached the utility room, down in the basement that Xander's fears were abated. "Angel."
The vampire turned around, his hands full of laundry. "Xander, what's wrong?"
The boy just shook his head. "Nothing." He suddenly felt foolish. Absently, his fingers played with the drawstring of his sweat pants.
"Are you sure?" Angel asked as he let the laundry he had been sorting fall to the floor and moved to his lover. Xander nodded. "You don't look sure."
Xander let himself be enveloped by the vampire's strong arms. "I am. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong." His arms slipped around to Angel's back as he placed a kiss on his bare shoulder. "I'm good."
Angel didn't respond. He knew that everything was not okay and that Xander was far from being good. Suddenly Xander backed out of the embrace. "What?"
Xander's eyes were on the folded clothes on the table. "My jeans from last night." He pointed.
Confused, Angel cocked his head to the side. "Yeah, I washed them."
Moving quickly, Xander picked up the folded jeans, his hands sliding into the pockets frantically. "It's not in there!"
Angel watched as the boy threw the jeans down and moved to the dryer. He opened the door and began to sift through the clothes. "Xander? What are you..."
"I've got to find it." Giving up on the dryer, Xander moved to the washing machine, opening the lid. The washer was on the spin cycle, but that did not stop Xander. Without thinking, the boy put his hands and arms down into the machine, trying to grasp the wet clothes. Instead, the agitator banged up his arms and the skin of his arms burned as it touched the sides of the spinning washer.
Angel rushed forward, his arms wrapping around his lover and pulling him back, away from the machine. "Xander? What was that?"
"I have to find it," Xander nearly sobbed.
"What?"
"Your necklace. It was in my pocket last night. It's got to be here somewhere." Xander clutched at Angel's shoulders.
"Xander. Shhhh. It's okay."
Shaking his head, Xander tightened his hold on Angel, burying his face in the vampire's shoulder. "No, it's not. You gave it to me and I lost it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
As Xander continued to say that he was sorry, Angel managed to get one hand in his pocket. He pulled out the necklace. "Xander, it's right here. You didn't lose it." He showed Xander the necklace, trying to get him calm down. "I took it out of your pocket. The clasp is broken, so I was going to go have it fixed."
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"It's my fault. It's broken because of me. I didn't mean to."
Angel wondered for a moment at the childlike state Xander seemed to be in. "It's okay, Xander. I'm not mad."
Xander took the necklace from Angel's hand and sank down to the floor. Angel followed him, his arms still wrapped around the trembling boy. "I'm sorry I broke it," Xander whispered.
"I'm not mad, Xander."
"It's the nicest thing that anyone's ever given me. I was afraid that I lost it."
"But you didn't, so it's okay."
"It's broken."
"Yeah, it is, but it's not a big deal. Things break all the time, they can be fixed. Okay?" Angel tightened his arms around Xander. "Okay?" he asked again. Xander nodded. "Okay, now tell me why you're so upset right now."
"I thought I lost your necklace."
"I got that part, Xander," Angel said patiently. "Now what's the part that has to do with WHY you're so upset about it."
Xander turned around in Angel's arms. "Well, you gave it to me."
"And that's why you got upset?"
"Your mother gave this to you. You've worn it for nearly...forever. It's special to you."
"You're more special to me, Xander." Angel placed a kiss on his forehead. "You just hurt your arms looking for a piece of pretty metal." Angel paused and kissed Xander gently again. "What did your dad do when you lost or broke something?"
~~~~~
"Alexander," his father said, his voice tender. "I want to give you this." He held out an old pocket watch. "This was my father's." Xander looked at his dad with suspicion; the fourteen year old knew that these rare moments of tenderness never lasted long. "Go on, take it."
Xander took the watch in his hand and studied it. "It's very nice."
"It's better than nice," his father corrected. "It's part of the family. It's the oldest thing we have. That watch is from Ireland. It came over with our ancestors."
Xander smiled, thinking that the watch was probably the nicest thing he had ever received. "Thank you, Dad."
"You're Welcome, Alexander. This watch means a lot to me. Take care of it."
*****
Xander frantically searched through his closet. He had to find it. His dad wanted to show it to his boss. Throwing clothes and shoes and books and magazines out of the way, he searched for the special spot he had put the watch.
It had been five months since his father had given it to him and at the time, he had wanted to keep the watch safe. But now, he couldn't remember where the safe place was. The only think he could remember was the look in his father's eyes when he had pulled him aside and told him in no uncertain terms that he had better find the watch and find it fast.
Xander had been searching for an hour; his entire room was turned upside down. Tears of frustration and fear sprang up in his eyes. He froze when he heard the door open. He winced when he heard it slam shut again.
"So, Xander," he heard his father say in a calm voice. "Where's the watch?"
Xander rose off his knees and turned to face his father, the nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach growing. "I-I-I can't find it. I know it's here somewhere."
"Are those tears? You fucking baby! You've lost my father's watch and you're crying. Hell, boy, I'm the one who was stupid enough to give it to you in the first place. You have no reason to cry...yet."
Xander tensed up and watched with glistening eyes as his father laced his fingers together. He heard the crack of his father's knuckles then watched dazed as he unbuckled his belt and pulled it swiftly from the loops of his pants. "D-dad, I-I'm sorry. I can find it. Please. I'll find it before your boss goes home, I swear."
"He's already gone home," his father informed him in a steely voice. His father neared him, the belt doubled into a loop. "Where do you want it first?" Xander just shook his head as he moved into his closet, trying to get away. "You pussy, get the fuck out here."
Xander yelped when his father's hand caught his arm and viciously pulled him out of the closet. "Dad, I'm sorry," the boy cried. "I'll find it. It's not lost."
"It is lost and it's your fault. Do you realize how much that watch meant to me?" His son nodded his head. He twisted Xander's arm, causing Xander to cry out in pain. With one swift movement, he could have broken his son's arm. Instead he let him go and watched him crumple to the ground. "You're such a fucking sissy, Alexander. I can't believe that I have you for a son."
Xander looked up through blurry eyes and saw the angry face of his father. As the belt came snapping down on him, Xander curled tighter into a ball. He buried his face in his arms and brought his knees up to his chest. It was the only way he could protect himself. The majority of the blows landed on his back and shoulders and Xander winced as the buckle of the belt dug through the thin layer of clothes and into his skin.
*****
The boy had lain silent for an hour after his father had left the room. Moving slowly, Xander got to his hands and knees and began to crawl out of his bedroom, towards the bathroom. When he made it, he stood up, using the doorjamb for support.
Entering the bathroom, he came face to face with his mother. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in here."
"You're so fucking stupid, Xander." His mother wiped the tears from her cheeks gingerly, trying to avoid the developing bruises.
Xander realized that his father must have gone after his mother after he had finished with him. "I'm sorry."
His mother gave him a disgusted look. "Yeah, you always are. If you would have just been good, Xander, none of this would've happened. But no, you had to be a lazy little fuck. Now look what's happened."
"Mom, I..." his words were cut short when her hand slapped him across the cheek.
She pushed him out of her way and he stumbled into the sink. "You're so fucking worthless. I can't wait for the four years to be up. After you're eighteen, I won't have to deal with you." She caught her son's eyes and said cruelly, "You're the worst mistake I've ever made. I should've never had you." Without anything further she walked out of the room, leaving Xander staring after her.
~~~~~
Xander lay next to Angel, his arm and leg thrown carelessly over the vampire. The pair had moved to the bedroom an hour ago. The vampire had calmed Xander down. Now the boy could talk about something other than breaking Angel's necklace. "I'm sorry, Angel."
Angel lifted his head. "Sorry for what?"
"Being stupid and doing stupid things."
Angel moved onto his side, his hand running up Xander's leg. "You're not stupid and I understand why you do some of the things you do, Xander."
"I love you."
A smile graced Angel's lips. "I know. I love you too." His eyes closed as he felt his lover's warm lips slide over his. Xander's tongue darted out and Angel opened his mouth, granting him entry. The kiss grew more passionate as Xander's ran moved to Angel's side and pulled him closer. The vampire could feel the boy's erection pressing against his own rapidly swelling cock.
Xander's hands moved under the vampire's shirt, caressing the skin and tweaking the hard nipples. Before too long Xander was on top of Angel, grinding his hips downward and moaning at the friction.
Angel pulled his head back as his hands moved to Xander's shoulders and pushed gently. "Are you sure?"
Xander sighed. "Why do you always ask that? If I wasn't sure would I be on top of you now? Would I be this hard for you?"
"Xander, I just..." his words were stopped by Xander's mouth on his.
The boy pulled back. "I'm sure, Angel. I want to feel you."
"I just want to make sure that you're okay. You've had a rough..."
Xander moved off of the vampire, running his hands through his hair. "It always comes back to this, doesn't it?" he mumbled as he moved off the bed. He started for the door. Angel was off the bed and next to Xander in less than five seconds. His arms gently wrapped around Xander's waist. "Let go," Xander said seriously.
"Where are you going?"
"Away. Now let go, Angel."
Feeling the boy tremble, Angel let go. "Are you leaving the house?"
Xander shook his head and sighed. "No. I'm going to the garden. It's daylight. You can't bother me there."
He started to walk again, but Angel's hand grasped his. "Hey. Why are you being like this?" he asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.
With tears glistening his eyes, Xander shook his head and shrugged, then walked out of the room.
*****
"Xander?" Angelus called as he pushed the curtains to the side. It had been dark for nearly an hour. "Is it okay if I come out?" He scanned the garden. For a moment he could not see the boy. Angel knew Xander was there, he could hear his heartbeat. Sweeping the garden with his eyes again, Angel saw Xander huddled up on a stone bench in the corner.
The vampire took a hesitant step outside. "Xander?" He moved toward the boy. "Can I sit next to you?" Angel didn't think that he was going to respond, but after a moment, Xander nodded. "Are you okay," Angel asked as he sat down.
"I'm fine." Xander looked at his lover. "God, I'm sorry, Angel."
Angel shook his head. "I wish you'd stop apologizing. You don't need to."
"But I just treat you so badly and all you want is to help. I just don't understand what's wrong with me."
"Xander," Angel spoke as he looked the boy directly in his eyes. "You're just figuring things out. It's going to take time. You haven't healed...from anything, I suspect. You've got things that need to be dealt with and I know it doesn't feel like it, but that's what you're doing now. You're working things out."
"I just feel bad that I'm hurting you."
Angel pulled him into his arms and placed a kiss on the top of his head. "You aren't hurting me. I understand. And I'm not going to go anywhere. I'll be here for you." He paused to tighten his hold. "And I know that sometimes I push, and I'm sorry, but I don't always know what to do."
"I love you so much, Angel, that it scares me."
"I know it does. And I know it scares you to think that someone loves you, but I do. And Willow does and everyone..."
"No, they don't. So don't even say it."
"Xander..."
"Don't do that."
"Don't do what?"
"Try to make me see how wonderful they are. They aren't wonderful and they don't want to be my friends. They never did."
"Willow's still in town, you know."
"So?"
"She wants to be your friend. She's worried about you. She flew all the way from Boston to see you."
Xander shook his head and closed his eyes. "Yeah and she can fly all the way back to Boston, because she already saw me."
"Xander, you're being very..."
"Childish," he interrupted. "Immature, pigheaded, what? You can't make me feel guilty about not being friends with Willow. She's the one that left. Left me behind in every sense. I have nothing to feel guilty about."
Angel took Xander's hand in his. "She didn't go to Boston to hurt you. Buffy and Giles didn't go to Palo Alto to hurt you. You know that. You can't keep blaming them for wanting to live their lives for themselves." He paused. As Xander began to speak, the vampire cut him off. "I know you feel that they've abandoned you, and maybe that's what they did, but their intentions weren't to hurt you."
"But they did."
Angel nodded, then smiled sadly. "We all hurt people. Most of the time we don't mean to, but we do. But there is such a thing as forgiveness. I know for a fact that Willow is very sorry about the distance that has grown between the two of you. I think she's worthy of your forgiveness. I think she needs it."
"I don't care what she needs."
"That's not true and we both know it. She's been your friend since you were little. Let her be your friend again."
Xander shook his head once more. "I don't need friends. Just you."
Angel was silent for a moment, then he looked into Xander's eyes and spoke seriously. "Isn't that why you stayed with Kevin so long, Xander? Because you didn't have any friends? Just him?"
The boy pulled his hand from the vampire's and moved away from him. "Shut up."
"Don't do this, Xander." Angel moved over to him, running his fingers across Xander's cheek. "Don't push me away for wanting to help you."
Xander tilted his head to the side, moving it so that Angel's questing fingers were not touching him. "You're not helping. You're just bringing shit up to make me feel bad."
"No. I don't ever want you to feel bad. But there are things that you need to deal with and if that means that I have to bring things up that are uncomfortable for you to deal with, then I'll do it. The stuff from your past is never just going to go away, Xander. Trust me, I know."
"I want to go back to Germany."
Sighing, Angel closed his eyes. "You're changing the subject."
"Yes, I am. I want to go back to Germany," he said again. When Angel didn't respond, Xander stood up. "You said that we could go wherever I wanted. I want to go to Germany."
Angel's eyes opened and he looked up at the boy in front of him and shook his head. "No."
"But you said..."
Standing up, still shaking his head, Angel placed his hands on Xander's hips, pointedly ignoring the hurt on Xander's face. "We're not going back to Germany just so you can run away from things. They'll follow you there."
Xander pulled away from Angel, putting considerable distance between them. "They didn't last time," he mumbled as he remembered how happy they had been there. Xander had just realized that he loved the vampire and for a while, the nightmares had stopped.
"I'm meeting Willow in a half hour. I'd like you to come." Xander shook his head. "Please?"
"No."
Sighing, Angel said, "Okay, I'll call her and tell her that I'm not coming."
"No, you can go."
"Are you going to leave like last time?"
Xander shook his head. "No, I'm going to go to sleep."
~~~~~
"I can't believe that you let them come over, Karen," Mr. Harris said in an annoyed voice.
"It was our turn, Mike. The Rosenberg's had Xander last Saturday and the Saturday before that, the Walkers had him. What was I supposed to say to Willow's and Jesse's mothers, 'no, your kids can't come over, even though you've watched my brat'?"
"Well, can't you send them outside to play? I'm trying to watch the game."
"Why don't you take a look outside, Mike. It's raining, not to mention thundering and lightening. I don't think their parent's would like it if they came home with pneumonia."
"Just tell them to shut up, will you?" He nodded up towards the ceiling. He could hear the kids playing loudly upstairs.
*****
"Tag! You're it!" Jesse cried as he tapped Willow on the shoulder, then ran away from her.
"No fair! You and Xander always tag me. How come you don't go after him?"
"'Cause."
"I'm tired of this," the seven year old girl said as she sat down on Xander's bed. "Can we watch the Snoopy Christmas movie?"
"It's not Christmas, silly," Xander informed her.
"Yeah, I know. I just like it."
"I don't want to watch a movie," Jesse said as he sat down next to Willow, finally catching his breath. "I want to build a tent or play in the attic." He looked at Xander. "Will your mom and dad let us play up there?"
Xander shrugged. "Don't know."
"Can you ask them?"
Xander hesitated. "My dad's watching TV and my mom's reading her book."
"Yeah, so?" Jesse and Willow asked in unison.
"So, they don't like it when I interrupt them."
"Oh, come on," Jesse whined. "Willow and I will go down with you." Ignoring the worried look on his friend's face, Jesse stood up then pulled Willow to her feet. "Come on, let's go."
Xander stood still for a moment. "What's wrong, Xand?" Willow asked, her eyes searching his. "Why do you look so scared?"
Xander's expression changed and he huffed. "I'm not scared. There's nothing wrong." He turned away from her and followed Jesse out the door.
*****
"Um, Mom?" Xander said quietly as he entered her room. Willow and Jesse waited by the door. "Mom?" he called out again. She was lying on the bed, reading a big book, trying to ignore her son. "Mom?"
"What? I'm busy; go play with your little friends, Xander."
Xander's eyes focused on the floor as his hands wrung together. "I know you're busy, but they want to know if we can play in the attic. So, can we?"
Karen Harris turned her eyes to the little boy in front of her. "I don't care where the fuck you play, Xander. Just leave me alone and be quiet. Your dad's watching the game."
Xander chewed on his lip before turning to leave. "Thank you, Mom," he threw over his shoulder as he exited the room.
*****
The three friends had been playing up in the attic for over an hour before they decided to play Star Wars. Willow, of course, was the Princess, Xander was Han and Jesse was Luke. No one had wanted to be Darth Vader or any other bad guy for that matter. So, to add some conflict, they pretended that Han and Luke didn't like each other.
Willow sat on an old dusty trunk, a disinterested look on her face. She didn't want to play Star Wars. She always had to be Leia. The boys had been play fighting for nearly ten minutes now and she was bored.
"Alexander!"
The kids stopped playing and turned to see Xander's father staring down at them.
"D-dad," Xander stuttered.
"I can hear you kids all the way down stairs." His father's voice was angry.
Xander's eyes got wide. "Sorry."
"Who said you could play up here anyway?"
"M-mom did."
His father sighed. "I don't want you making a mess up here like you have in your room."
Xander lowered his head. "Okay," he said as he moved to exit the attic.
"Go clean your room."
"But," Xander started as he looked up at his father. "Willow and Jesse are here. Can't I wait until they leave?"
"I told you to go clean your room," his father replied in a stern voice.
"But," he pushed. The back of his father's hand connecting with his cheek cut off Xander's words. The blow knocked the small boy to the floor. He bit his lip and looked back up at his father with tears welling in his eyes.
"Don't start crying, you sissy. Just go clean your room like I said. Your friends can help you." The man turned and left the attic, wanting nothing more than to watch the game in peace.
Slowly, Xander got to his feet. Trying not to cry, he turned to look at his friends. Like scared seven year olds, Jesse and Willow pretended that they hadn't seen Xander's father hit him. Xander wiped away a few rogue tears and spoke with a shaky voice. "I've gotta clean my room."
Willow stood up and offered a little smile. "We'll help you." She was still scared and it showed in her voice. Walking over to Xander, she took his hand and led him down the stairs and to the door. She turned back, looking at Jesse. "You coming?"
The boy nodded, then ran to catch up with his friends. He was scared too.
~~~~~
Xander had been trying to sleep for the past two hours. All he could do was think about his childhood. Seeing Willow enabled the memories to come flooding back to him, memories that he had tried to forget over the years. But he'd never truly forgotten them.
Xander rolled over onto his back. Angel had been gone for a while. Xander didn't like the feel of the bed when Angel wasn't in it as well. Xander closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep.
"Xander."
His eyes popped open as his heart rate jumped. Xander's eyes focused on his lover, standing at the foot of the bed. "Angel. You're back." Xander smiled. "I was just..."
"Why didn't you tell me about your father?"
"I-I did," he stumbled as he sat up. He watched as the vampire shrugged off his long coat and draped it over a chair.
Angel moved back to the bed and sat down. "You didn't tell me that he molested and raped you."
"Willow," Xander sighed as he looked down at his hands. His fingers were picking at the blanket.
"Yes. She told me." Moving closer to Xander, Angel ran his hand down the boy's arm. "Baby, I wish you would've told me."
Xander tensed up. "Don't call me that."
"Call you what? Baby?"
Xander nodded. "It's what Kevin called me."
Angel looked down sheepishly. "I'm sorry. I won't call you that." The vampire moved closer to Xander, one hand touching his cheek while the other grasped his hand. "I wish you had told me."
"Why?" Xander asked, still looking at the blanket.
"It makes a difference."
"That's why I didn't tell you." Xander shook his head, sending previously unshed tears flying. "I didn't tell anyone. I never wanted it to make a difference. I didn't want people to look at me and be like, 'oh, that's Xander Harris, his father fucks him, so treat him special'."
"Xander. I want to help you, but you have to let me."
"So what is it that you want me to do?" Xander leaned back against Angel, his head resting on the vampire's shoulder.
Angel leaned back against the headboard, bringing Xander back with him. "Talk to me. Tell me. As much as you're able to."
"What do you want me to tell you about?" Xander asked in a nearly lifeless voice. "You want to know when it started? When it ended? How long he usually lasted? Where he liked to spray his cum?"
Angel winced at his lover's harsh words. "I want you to tell me whatever you want. Whatever you're comfortable with talking about."
After a long pause, Xander spoke. "I don't remember when it started. I can't really remember a time when it didn't happen, so I guess I was pretty young. You know, at first he didn't...he wouldn't really do anything. He was too busy beating me, I guess. Then it wasn't anything more than touching me and me touching him. And then..." Xander's voice broke.
Angel noticed Xander was breathing quickly and his hands were tightly clenched in his. "It's okay, Xander." He kissed his cheek, trying to calm him. "Did your mom know he was doing that to you?"
Xander nodded. "She was probably happy. If he was fucking with me, he left her alone."
"You told Willow that it stopped when you were fifteen." Xander nodded. "Why did he stop?"
"I started to fight back." Xander snorted sadly. "A little late, I know, but... I guess he just got tired of the struggle. I mean, he could've taken me anytime, I'm sure. In fact, he did for a while. He's a big guy; I was a scrawny kid." Xander paused, thinking for a moment. "It was Jesse and Willow that made me want to fight him. I'd go over to their houses and would see what kinds of families they had and I just knew that mine was...wrong."
Xander swallowed then continued. "And Jesse started saying things. He knew. I know he knew. How could he not? He was my best friend then. I was closer to him than I was to Willow. And we had to change for gym together. He saw the bruises and marks." Xander sniffed. "And it's not like after my dad fucked me really hard I could walk right."
"Did he ever bring it up?"
"Jesse? No. Not directly. It wasn't his style. Like I said, he just made comments. He'd ask about a new bruise, like, 'oh, did you crash your skateboard again, Xan?' I could tell he knew. He started inviting me over more. You never met him."
"No, I didn't."
"He was a good guy," Xander said sadly.
"You miss him?"
"A lot. I remember when Buffy and I found him underground and he was a vampire, I just kept wishing that I was the one taken. And then when I...when he fell on my stake, I still wished I was the one who turned to ash. He had nice parents and two sisters and an older brother. They all loved him. All I had were my shitty parents who don't even know what the word 'love' means."
Silence loomed over the room for a few minutes. Angel's eyes had closed and he was contenting himself with listening to Xander breathe. The vampire's eyes opened when he felt Xander tremble. "What is it?" The boy shook his head. "Xander."
Xander turned around in Angel's embrace, burying his face in his neck. As sobs wracked his body, Xander felt the strong arms of his lover tighten around him.
#####
"Angel?" Xander called out as he walked through the mansion. He walked slowly as he tried to find his lover. "Angel, where are you?"
Climbing the stairs slowly, Xander's stomach began to clench. He had to find Angel. He didn't know why exactly; he just knew that he had to find him.
The stairway dissolved into the bedroom, but it wasn't the bedroom Xander and Angel shared in the mansion, it was Xander's childhood bedroom. Xander stopped the moment he realized it. His eyes focused on the bed.
"Xander." Angel was lying on his side.
"Angel? Why are you in this room?" Hesitantly, Xander moved to the bed. "Angel, you shouldn't be in this room."
"I'm supposed to be."
"No," Xander said quickly, shaking his head. "No, you're not. No one is. Let's go, okay?"
"I want to stay. It'll be okay, Xander." The vampire sat up. "Come sit down with me." Xander shook his head. "Xander, it's okay. I'm here with you. I won't let anything bad happen." Angel reached out and tenderly took the boy's hand.
"O-okay." Xander stepped closer to the bed, then sat down carefully. Angel moved close to Xander, his face nuzzling the side of Xander's head. "A-Angel? Don't."
"Don't what?" Angel breathed into Xander's ear. His hand moved to Xander's thigh, his fingers tracing circles over the denim-covered muscle.
As Angel's hand moved upward, cupping his groin, Xander tensed further. "Please, don't." His eyes closed as his hand moved over Angel's and pulled it away. "I can't. Not here."
"Why not here?"
"You know why."
Moving away from Xander slightly, Angel spoke in a hard, callous voice. "Because your daddy fucked you here?"
His eyes snapping open, Xander whipped his head around to stare at the vampire. He recoiled when he saw the venom radiating off of Angel.
But the look soon faded from Angel's face and his hand took a hold of Xander's. "I'm sorry. Come here?" Xander shook his head. "Xander, I'm sorry. Please?" Gently, Angel tugged Xander towards him. The boy did not struggle.
"Why'd you say that?" Xander asked in a near whimper when Angel's arms encompassed him.
"Because I hate you."
"What?" Xander pulled back, staring at his lover in shock.
"I hate you. Everyone hates you." Angel laughed. "You haven't learned that by now?"
"T-this is a dream," Xander stated uncertainly.
"You wish it were." Angel's fist came hurtling towards Xander's face. The boy didn't have time to react before it crashed into his cheek.
Xander was knocked onto the floor. He looked up to see Angel looming over him, just as his father had and just as Kevin had. "A-Angel?"
"You make me sick." Angel lifted his foot, then brought it smashing down on Xander's face. He reached down and grabbed Xander by the hair. Pulling the boy up, the vampire laughed in his face before throwing him across the room.
#####
Xander shouted in his sleep. Angel sat up quickly and looked down at his lover. Curled up in a ball, Xander was shaking and tears were pouring from his eyes. Gathering the boy in his arms, Angel pressed his lips against Xander's forehead. "Shhh," he tried to calm the boy. "It's okay. Wake up. You'll see that it's okay."
Angel held him tighter, slightly shaking him. The sound coming from Xander was quite possible the worse sound Angel had ever heard. It was a mixture of a cry, a yell, and a moan. "Xander, wake up."
Xander's eyes popped open and Angel let out a sigh of relief. But before he could do any thing else, Xander pushed away from him. With a quiet thud, Xander fell to the floor. His legs lifted him and propelled him towards the bathroom. His stomach was churning.
Angel quickly followed him, turning the bathroom light on. Xander knelt by the toilet, his arms wrapped around his waist. He was crying and Angel could see his body heaving, but other than that, nothing was happening.
"Xander." Angel moved to his side, kneeling down and brushing back the sticky wet hair from Xander's forehead. "It's okay."
Shivering from the fever that ran through him, Xander shook his head. "It's not." Carefully, Xander moved away from the toilet and leaned back against the cool body of Angel.
"Do you want to tell me about your dream?"
Xander shook his head. "You can't help."
"I know," Angel sighed. "But maybe just talking about it would help."
Xander shook his head again. "I just want everything to be okay, to not suck. I want the happy ending."
Wrapping his arms tighter around Xander, Angel kissed his ear before whispering. "You may have to face the fact that there may never be a happy ending. I've lived a long time and I haven't seen too many completely happy endings."
"Will it at least get better?" Xander asked in a weak and desperate voice.
Angel smiled sadly. "In time. Maybe it won't be better tomorrow or the next day, but it will get better. Things will be better. It'll all be okay."
Xander closed his eyes. "I'm so tired, Angel. I don't want to be tired."
Angel held him tighter, waiting until the boy fell asleep again before moving him back to the bed. Placing a gentle kiss on Xander's forehead, Angel hoped that he was getting some much needed and well deserved rest and that for once, his dreams would let him be. If only for one night.
~**~
End